Hello! It's TenthWeasleyWriter from the forums with your requested review.
My first thought, at looking at the way your story was formatted, is that it's a bit hard on the eyes. I think it might be a bit easier to read if you broke up the lyrics from your story and used bigger chunks of each -- the alternating thin lines of bold and normal text took some getting used to. Of course, it's a very minor problem. The flow of the actual story wasn't affected by this, in any case, so you don't need to worry too much about that!
At first I was a bit confused about who exactly the narrator was, and then read your note at the end. And you know what -- I actually liked the anonymity, the fact that you hardly used a single name. It keeps the reader guessing, and sort of plays a game with them as they go. Writer/reader interactions are always fun for me, and I liked that you put that in there.
One thing -- I really do want to know why Albus did it! Do you, as the writer, know the backstory? I'd love to hear it, if you do.
Be very careful about homophones like "too" versus "to" and "you're" versus "your". I caught several instances in this story where you meant "too" and wrote "to". They're small mistakes, but very important ones. Have you looked into getting a beta? Betas are very helpful and catch things like that. :)
James's emotions, I think, were very realistic. I have never had to personally deal with something like this in my life, but I think I would react very similarly, especially the constant questions. They're hopeless, but it would be all one's mind would revolve around, I think, so you've captured that nicely.
Well done! Just keep watching for those grammar errors I pointed out, and keep improving as you go. Thank you for requesting, and feel free to come back at any time. (7/10)
Author's Response: Yes, I am always afraid of doing it every line, cause I have never really seen that before, but really is the only thing I feel comfortable with, so I am sorry if I hurt your eyes! ):
Yeah, I wanted to keep it a secret, give little hints of who died, and who was the one talking. I am glad you liked that.
Ha, well I have an idea, and I've been thinking of maybe doing something that explains it. I will have to think really hard about it, because I am afraid that it would ruin the story, but I may do it (:
I actually had a beta in this story, maybe she/he missed some. I will go back and check some things out. That you for telling me about it.
Thank you, I was afraid that it wasn't realistic, I am glad you thought it was, and I am glad you've never had to go though something like this. No one should have to.
Thank you for the criticism! (:
It really helps a lot.