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Review:SereneChaos says:
Ooh, this was interesting. I like your action and dialogue but I was a little confused at some points by what was actually going on. I understand that as a first person story, a character's mind isn't going to be giving description after description, but I do think there might be an easier way of telling the story.

I'm not sure if it's personal preference, but the beginning of this chapter may benefit from less description of clothing and the room clumped together. That first paragraph lost me a bit, simply because I generally don't have that much interest in reading about those things. You might try interspersing bits of description to create variety throughout the chapter. I've noticed you tend to have stretches of dialogue and then a chunk of description, which can be unnecessarily tedious to read all at once.

All that being said, I'm interested to see where you take this, and how your OCs develop.

-SereneChaos, Hufflepuff

Author's Response: first of all I really want to thank you for your review--it is so honest and very intelligent, not to mention helpful as hell!

I totally agree about the description/dialogue fluidity--or lack there of--and it is something I have to work on. I think I'm going to try to describing through out the scene, like you suggested, but I just struggle with giving the reader enough description to be able to understand the situation/environment and giving an overwhelming amount.

thanks again!


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