Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:taylorj828 says:
Hiya, me again for a second chapter. This is probably all I'm going to do for now, mainly because I'm not a big Marauders' fan, so I'm not sure how helpful I can be in reviewing. For the most part, I think you've captured the Marauder's personalities and characters quite well. And you've got the same school-vibe and Hogwarts details that we generally find in the books, so that's cool.

Again, I think you have a nice introduction to the chapter, here you used a subtle way of showing us that Vienna's on the Quidditch team. Good work with that. (o:

“Ahem,” said a voice from behind them.
“I said James, if you have us out at four I will chuck my bat at you.” She said again without looking up.


Great! I liked this! It serves as a great characterization piece about Vienna too! Not only is it a funny scene, but it shows that she's not so easily swayed or reigned in by James, whereas I'd guess very many students are. And I love that it was Mcgonagall instead of James!

Hm, in the classroom, there's a blond girl and they can't remember who she is. Is she a Gryffindor? Because they've now spent 7 years living, studying, eating, and sleeping with all the same students in their House, so... maybe they momentarily forgot her surname, but in general, I think it would be REALLY difficult to forget who a fellow Gryffindor was. Now, if it was a Slytherin, I also think they'd recognize her, after 7 years in Hogwarts together, but I could buy it more easily that maybe her name has temporarily escaped them. Or she's just so quiet that she was easily forgotten, etc.

Hm, Vienna gave a great Amortentia definition to Slughorn... So she's also very clever and doesn't even need to pay attention much in class? Again, this is getting you closer to Mary-Sue land. Vienna's smart and does great schoolwork, she's cool like the Marauders, she can duel 6 Slytherins on her own, she's on the Quidditich team and Voldemort killed her parents. Hm. Does she have any features which don't seem perfect (or perfectly tragic)...? Remember that real people have flaws. Strengths and weaknesses. And rarely do we love 100% every aspect of a person. But in friendship, we choose to love the person despite those less endearing aspects.

“I’ll escort you. Young ladies such as yourself shouldn’t be wandering the dark castle by themselves, wandless and vulnerable. “She turned around, were he saw two stupendous black eyes blooming, and raised her eyebrows.

Well, I see that you're trying to show Sirius being a bit flirty or...out-of-character compassionate because of his attraction to her. But I think you have to be careful about these out-of-character moments. Sometimes people do something very out of character when they have feelings for someone else, but in writing, we also risk the chance of readers feeling that the character was just poorly written. I think it would be enough just to show Sirius saying he would escort Vienna, and then Vienna mentally noting in her head how Sirius normally ran off with his friends and she'd never known him to stay behind and help someone... Or not in a million years did she think one of them would do something as silly as insisting to escort her, etc. That can show how odd it is that Sirius wants to escort her, because he's concerned, he cares... But the line about 'a young lady being wandless and vulnerable' just seems a bit like over-kill after seeing her in the previous chapter fight 6 Slytherins alone. If you WANT it to seem like over-kill - like Sirius is just REALLY bad at flirting, and being cool, aloof, and hiding his feelings... And if you want it to look like it should be obvious to Vienna about Sirius's feelings, then I think your line would work specifically for that.

Well, another interesting chapter, and I do find myself wondering what else is going to happen to your characters. I'll keep your story in a list of ones to come back to. If you find my reviews helpful at all, and if you'd still like ideas for your later chapters, maybe I can come back when things are slow and read a bit more. Again, these are just my own ideas and suggestions. If they are helpful, great! If they are not - then throw them out and forget about them. It's your story, world, and characters! Have fun with them!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing:)

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 223
Submit Report: