Hi there, this is taylorj828 with your requested review.
First of all, you have a pretty good opening. I like the first two lines of dialogue about Vienna not being Lily Evans. It brings the reader into the right setting, calling to mind certain characters and opening us up to your original character.
As far as introducing us to your original character, I want to say that you've done a good job of having the other characters tell us about Vienna... Some of her adventures, escapades, characteristics or qualities. This is a good way to use characters we already know/trust/like to give us a view of the new, unknown one. However, some of it does come across as slightly Mary-Sueish, in that Vienna seems perfectly right or flawless, like she's a perfect fifth Marauder, and this can make some readers a bit wary. Obviously, if she was friends with the Marauders, she'd have to have some characteristics that would endear her to them, but I think it's also important that we see her as an individual, and not as just a copy of those guys.
Hm, so she was dueling Snape and had already fought and rendered 5 Slytherins unconscious ... This looks cool, but also makes her look amazingly powerful. A real hot-shot. This is fine if that's what you want to show, but it can make it a bit less believable for some readers. I want to cheer for her. But if she seems invincible, then there may not be much to cheer for; it's a done deal. This kind of character does seem to fit in with the Marauders (though slightly unbelievable), however, I actually don't like the marauders, so I'm not sure if it's a good thing for me to feel that she fits in perfectly. :oP
Well, regardless, I do think it could help you in endearing your Original Character more to your readers if you could offer more background connections for her. I don't mean just cool stories of her daring risks or amazing spellwork. But from JKR's books we already know about the Marauders, who they are, some things they did. We knew about people who went to school with them, even. We've never heard of them having a good friend, Vienna. I would find it interesting to hear a bit of reminiscing or brief mentions in conversation about how they first met Vienna, or some unlucky incident in Hogwarts, or some argument she'd had with Lily, or how she'd had detention with James or... You did do this a bit, here, but most of it was super-cool things she had done, and normally as teenagers, we also do super-stupid or embarrassing things. (o: I dunno, maybe these things will be in your other chapters, but they do help flesh our the character a bit more, so we have a more concrete idea of how she's connected to these boys. Especially since we've always just thought of the 4 boys. It seems like she's going to be a good friend of theirs in this story - but how did it all happen? OR, is she really just an acquaintance they've only ever seen around the common room here and there, in their classes in the back row or something...?
I wonder about the usage of names too, and is it intentional? Sometimes they call each other by first names, sometimes last names. Maybe I've just missed it, if there's a pattern that shows certain characters using names a certain way, depending on their closeness...?
But why would they kill her parents? I understand that they were well-known and successful Aurors, but is there anything more to the story? Or they were just picked at random? These minute details help readers really latch onto a more concrete world you're creating. But maybe there is more about this later in the story? Also, this does sound a lot like Harry - parents killed, shipped off to Muggle aunt... Just be cautious. (And I should have warned you that I'm neither of fan of the Marauders, nor am I very forgiving of Original Characters. But everything I suggest here are just ideas to help improve your writing - whether here, or in your next story... And always remember, each reviewer is just 1 person, so take whatever is helpful to you, and throw up the rest. It's your story, and it should be fun for you. (o: )
Well, it's a nice start and it's interesting, wondering what's going to happen with Vienna and the Marauders. Also it's fun seeing how the various guys interact with her, and I'm sure at least one of them is in love, or falling in love with her. (o; I think I can do another chapter at least, so you should get another review from me!
Author's Response: Thanks so much:)