Hey there! academica here with your review :) And thank you so much for following my rules! I really appreciate it!!
I'm sort of a grammar nazi too, so you came to the right place. The only thing I noticed comes from the Nimbimagus paragraph; I personally would have used "shone" over "shined", but that may just be a matter of opinion rather than grammatical law. You may want to double check before changing it. It just sounds more fitting to my ears. I didn't notice any spelling or punctuation errors, however.
Now, you've got a really sinister opener here to what is sure to be an interesting story. The description was great, assuming that I am correct in supposing that things aren't intended to be totally clear (i.e. a little confusing) right now as far as what exactly happened, how it happened, etc. The idea is definitely believable, though, and I like how you've decided to work with vampires because they aren't explored in canon as well as, say, werewolves or mermaids. Vampires are pretty trendy right now, and I imagine you'll get a bunch of reads if you advertise this, especially with how smooth the flow of your writing is. I'm already intrigued to find out who this girl is and to hear more about her story, even with only one chapter to go on. I really love the sense of desperation you crafted here, what with the discussion of the masochistic 'crazies' and the other potential victims not wanting to touch the injured girl. As I said, it gives the story a really dark feel.
This was really a great little read. Thanks so much for requesting a review, and I hope my feedback is helpful to you. Please do feel free to re-request later if you like :)
Author's Response: Hello! Thank you for getting to it so quickly! :)
Well, that's great! That's what I like to hear, and I'll definitely take a second look to see if I agree with that or not. But I'm glad the rest of it looked good and there was nothing glaringly obviously wrong with any of my sentences! :)
It definitely is supposed to have a sort of dark, twisted feel to it, and there was supposed to be mystery to it. Hopefully more of what actually happened will be in the first chapter, where I'll introduce my favorite band of heroes ;)
I'm really glad you think it's believable. To me, that's one of the most important things as an author. And yeah, I've actually only really read two other fics on the site about vampires, one that mentioned them a little bit only, and one kind of built on it, but they weren't updated for awhile which was sad! The only other ones I see on the site are the Twilight crossovers which... aren't really my cup of tea (:
Yeah, Rosetta is going to be one of my favorite characters-- I can feel it already! :)
I'm pleased you like that, I figure there had to be a sense of why nobody would comfort her as she had to go up, if you know what I mean?
Thanks again for the review, it gave me a lot of good critique which is what I was looking for! I'll definitely re-request when the next chapter is up (: