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Review:forsakenphoenix says:
So I think this was an interesting way to explain why Sirius would be afraid of commitment. You don't often see Sirius being played the fool as he's usually the player.

I wish that there was more interactions written between Kristi and Sirius. I know that they met a year earlier, were snogging in a classroom and then Kristi asked Sirius to meet her there later to have sex. Nowhere in the story did I learn about how their relationship, if they had one, progressed. I can't imagine Sirius telling a girl he loved her - and actually being sincere about it - if he hasn't taken the time to get to know her. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of their relationship, but I know that it's difficult to write an entire relationship in a one-shot.

I had a hard time accepting that the Marauders would be so casually talking about becoming Animagi in the common room where anyone could be eavesdropping. Plus, it took them years to master that form of magic so to only be coming up with the idea now doesn't fit the timeline of canon. Of course, this is a fanfiction so you're free to write it however you please. That's half the fun!

I noticed a lot of grammatical and spelling errors throughout the story and at times, it interrupted the flow of the story. Some of your dialogue was awkward, especially some of Sirius's thoughts. They just didn't seem in-character.

I enjoyed the interactions between the Marauders - you wrote their friendship very well, especially Sirius who just wanted a happy ending for James in his quest to steal Lily Evan's heart. Plus, while I had issues with the timing of their decision to become Animagi, you show that they are truly dedicated to Remus and want to help ease the pain of his transformations any way they can. That's what true friendship is all about. Again, I had some issues with Sirius's inner dialogue, but I liked the anticipation of what was going to happen with Kristi; that excitement but nervousness of a first time. Very typical teenage boy.

I know it seems that I wrote a lot of negative things, but I think for your first fanfic, you did a nice job. I would definitely suggest finding someone to help clear up the mechanical and grammatical errors in your fic - it would help the flow of the story a lot. But otherwise, keep writing. You'll find that the more you write, the better you get. It's always fun to reread your old material and see how much you've progressed and grown as an author. It just takes time and a lot of practice.

Good luck with all your future fics!

forsakenphoenix (Ravenclaw)

Author's Response: Wow! well thank you very much for that really long review. I'm glad that you at least some what enjoyed the piece. I know i didnt add a whole lot about their relationship into the piece but i didnt want to make the piece so long with extra bits of information that it would be too long for people to want to read. And with the part about the animagi I think they decided they were going to do it before it actually happens. Or at least for me it took them a few years to actually manage it. But again thank you for the great review!

~Slytherinchica08~


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