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Review:uncivilized says:
Hi. ^__^

I love the chapter image. ;D

And I love the first paragraph - I like how you connected his past to the 5th book and Sirius' death.

I like your word choices - it all flows very well and it's easy to read. Sometimes it feels like people try and overload a reader with all these "fancy" words - which, I find, gets annoying to read after a few sentences. You don't overuse words and your sentence lengths vary, making it more enjoyable to read and infinitely more engaging. The way you put sentences together is lovely - it reads smoothly and paints a picture in my mind, like I can see what Sirius is seeing and I can feel what he feels, too. A good author should be able to do that; feeling connected with a character and, in turn, their story.

The scenes of the wedding (and before it) are lovely - they made me smile because I love weddings and I could just see it. You gave me goosebumps, though, at the images of Sirius on his knees, the pain he must be feeling and gah. It's so terribly sad, but very powerful when it comes to descriptions! o_o To be perfectly honest, I've always seen Sirius as a loner, relationship wise. It just seemed to fit better in my mind, because of how he was raised. However, there's nothing wrong with stories where he does have someone he loves - as long as it ends appropriately and realistically, because we do know Sirius is alone by his death. But I guess that's the beauty of not knowing everything about him! :) In essence, you can give him whatever you want - as long as you write it well.

Because we don't know more about her death - save for the fact that it was Death Eaters - I can't really comment on it. I'm not sure if this is a stand alone one-shot or not, but if it isn't I hope you do elaborate more on why she was chosen for death. I like things with well-thought out backstories and histories, even if they're not written outright in a story.

The ending was really sweet. :) I like that Sirius, in a way, got the happy ending that he so deserved. It's a bit hard for me to comment on Win's characterization, mostly because I don't really know her. We know a little about her, but not enough for me to give much comment because the details about what makes Win Win are unknown. Rather than always go through Sirius' eyes and his direct opinion, you could instead actually have him 'interact' with her at a some point, just so she feels more 'real' to the reader. However, doing that might be a bit hard to do because of the length and the feel that this one-shot has; extra details and scenes might ruin the effect that it has: these are scenes, important ones, that are flashing by his eyes before he falls through the veil and I really think it reads like that, too. These scenes "flash" by us, as well, and I love how there seems to be a parallel drawn between us reading and what Sirius is feeling.

I think Win is loveable in the fact that we can see that Sirius loved her very much - it's easy to be enchanted by a character who's loved/adored/a part of another character's life. The fleeting knowledge that we get of your OC fits with what I said above, too. Sirius didn't get much time with her and neither did we, so with the ending, it almost felt like I was being reunited with a lost friend.

This was a lovely piece, and I think you did a very good job with conveying the emotions and portraying the scenery and images. :)

Thank you for requesting!

-taylor
[uncivilized/hufflepuff]

Author's Response: Wow!! Thank you so much for this review!!

I did take a lot of care and attention on wording this story correctly and I'm very happy that you noticed it. I'm glad I wasn't overwhelming in my exactingness of the words.

You're right, it would be better to have a backstory to this and I actually do want to write one now that I've read enough complaints/gentle admonishings of not giving Win enough screen time.

I like how you compared the reader's viewpoint being similar to Sirius' because that's how I wanted it to be.

Thank you so much for your lovely and thoughtful words!

xChar


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