WOW! Sor far, this is one of the best stories I've read on HPFF, and this is just the prologue! Bravo!!
So, yeah, this is taylorj828 from the forums, coming to do some reviews for you. (o: And I totally dig your story already!
First of all, I really like how you set up the story in the opening lines. A short sentence followed by a long one. However just a small note about the second line - it *is* very long and also contains a lot of info. I had to scan it a second time to be sure that I'd understood it. It might be good to review that line to see if there's any clearer way to get all that information out there. But in the end, I did understand after a second scan, so it's not the end of the world, and I do like the juxtaposition of short and long lines. Plus you come in, in the middle of Scorpius' good mood, which gets readers immediately on the page with you. Nice intro!
Also, I have never read a NextGen story (or even read ABOUT a NextGen Story) that started after their Hogwarts years, so I like that you've got something unique, at least for me. Also, I want to add that you've done a good job on your characterization, starting much later in the kids' lives than we often normally see. In a 1000-word Prologue, I already have a decent idea of who Scorpius might be, also how he's connected to the Potters (and Weasleys), and some info about his father and how Scorpius was raised. Well done!
And excellent work at getting the readers interested and pulling us into what feels like the beginning of a detective novel or murder mystery. You've done it very smoothly and flawlessly. (o:
Hm, blood extracted, and then made into a rose. It feels like you're laying down some clues, but that we may not recognize them until much later? Something tells me that I should be thinking of Rose Weasley - but maybe I got that from reading a summary? Or maybe I'm inventing that, but it REALLY doubles my intrigue, if it does indeed connect to Rose Weasley.
Lesbians...! HA, I love it! Great line! Great transition from thoughts/background/narration and then into dialogue and current action. You've got a really nice, polished style, make sit very easy to read, too. (One note of caution, I used to be a Validoter some time ago and I had to consult with current Validators last year about the issues of sexuality/minority slurs in fanfic, because I was unclear on their limitations. Some Validators are stricter than others. I personally don't see any problem in your fic, but I only want to caution you, because I was advised to remove a sexuality slur from one of my stories due to HPFF's rules. Maybe just for future reference.)
I LOVE that Draco has taught Scorpius to respect all kinds of people. Even if Scorpius shouldn't be friends with or date them. Hahaha. It's a good step for the Malfoys. And you really made me smile in that section. (o:
I wonder what kind of connection Scorpius and Dominique have, if he's this concerned, running into the house to see if she's alright...? It's an intriguing way to show, without telling us anything just yet.
HIS dead daughter?! OMG! Haha, you got me! Brilliant! Five stars, really! I can be very picky with fanfic, but this one it really amazing! Your prologue does exactly what it should do. Sets a scene, gets readers attention immediate and demands us to read more. Really well done!
Author's Response: Hiya, sorry for taking so long to respond. And wow, what amazing reviews you've left me! Okay, point by point:
I'm glad you liked the opening line. I know what you mean about the second sentence, but frankly, I'm a lazy slob and I can't be bothered to change it :) I will bear this in mind in future stories, though. Thank you for that.
I've read only one other Next Gen story post-Hogwarts years, and I wholly recommend it -- it's not on HPFF, but it is on MNFF. It's called The Vindication of James Potter and it's amazing, far, far better than mine. It is, however, rather long, so only read it if you have bucketfuls of time. :P
I'm glad you thought they were characterised okay, and you thought it read like a murder mystery? Wow. Thank you so much.
You already know the answers to your queries, so I won't comment on those -- although they are interesting. Oh, and it's good to know that you liked that line :) and that my writing style is polished! Wow again.
To be perfectly honest with you, the validators on here are rather picky. Thankfully, there haven't been any issues re sexuality, and I've made it pretty clear I don't have any problem with lesbianism or anything. But thank you for the warning.
You're one of the many reviewers who have commented on Draco's characterisation even though he's not actually present throughout. Mission accomplished!
Thank you very much for the thorough review. I shall move on to the next one now :)