Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Strings says:
First off - I liked the "in between""in someone's mind" sort of feeling you managed to pass.

To be honest, I don't think your fic needs the song there :) It works on it's own, it might even work better without the song, I don't know.

At times I felt like a more hinted description would help. Like in the movie Jaws - they never once show the shark itself, and that's part of why it's so scary. For example- Second paragraph- instead of cry for days, I would love something like, her pillow wasn't dry for days now. Little thing hurts the most.

Also - how old are those girls? Childish innocence is so heartbreaking. Once there was all over the news a picture of a letter a first grader wrote to his mommy about being scared in kindergarten. They used it for politics and it worked because it was so sad.

It's hard to see it when you write (I know) but when you read simple, clear words work best. Instead of big words like "I will do anything I can" I would try simple things like, "Just tell me what to do." "Don't go".

Maybe it could be better if you wrote more about those fights between the parents. Just mention it a few more times it third body, maybe in italics? A little kid peering from the hallway, frozen to the white walls.

I'm sorry for being so cynical about it all, analyzing it. It must sound sick. =

I really do think it's already good, I just tried to think of anything that might have made it better.

Author's Response: Thanks! I am glad I managed it!

Mhmm, really? I don't know if that would work... I mean it is a song-fic. But alright(;

Yeah, that would have made it better, your right. I may change it a little to be "like jaws" you could say. It would make it sound better!!

I wrote them younger. Like little kids that are having their fathers leave them.

Yeah, that is true. It makes it seem more real if you use powerful, simple words like that! Thanks for the advice!

Yeah, I could write more about the fights. It would make it more personal and sad in a way.

Not at all!! I love getting advice! Thank you so much for this! It really means a lot!!

Well I am glad you thought it is good. And I am glad you gave me the advice!!
Thanks so much!!

-Sarah
Xx


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 969
Submit Report: