Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:uncivilized says:
So, I'm finally here to review you. I got a bit bogged down for a bit and then I forgot, but I'm here now. ^_^ I'm sorry about the wait!

Sometimes I struggle to get into Marauders era fics, simply because there are a lot of them and I have read many. However, I am intrigued because of your description/introduction of sorts. This: "And, stuck in the middle of all of this, James Potter and Lily Evans realise that, in a war, you have to take a side..." is my favourite line and it's a great way to end it - you draw readers in that way.

I like that you jump immediately into the action - it's a good way to get readers into your story, but I do feel that you might have rushed it slightly. Maybe take the time to add in what thoughts were running through Lily's mind, how she was feeling - was she scared? What about the children? Little things - their expressions, were there eyes wide? Mouth open? Was Lily close to hyperventilating? Did she squeak in fear? Trip over something as she tried to back away? Adding those little details allows the reader to feel more involved - like they're actually there and seeing this happen. I think that's probably one of the most important things you can do when writing a story - making it possible to feel like the reader is there too.

I like your transitioning from one scene to the other - it's smooth, which is good, because an abrupt transition can sometimes throw readers off. Jenna and Layla's hope and belief in Lily seem to be very typical of what younger children are like - they always seem to believe that the older, 'wiser' person are able to get through things without worry. So, I like this accurate depiction of the children and Lily's thoughts and reactions to it. :)

You're very good at writing action scenes - so much is going on and you manage to get the urgency of the situation to come across, but I do think the chapter would benefit from adding thoughts and feelings behind the actions, just so that there is more for the reader to hold onto and feel. I absolutely adore the ending sentence - it's a lovely way to end it. The scar itself ties into Harry and his "I must not tell lies" scar and I love the parallel that you've drawn between the two.

thank you for requesting! :)

-Taylor

Author's Response: Hello there, Taylor!

No worries about the wait; the fact that you reviewed makes me a very happy bunny :)

I'm really glad you liked my summary, particularly that line. It took a lot of work, my summary, and when I couldn't even fit all of it in due to the length restrictions, I had to truncate it further. So thank you.

Yes, I know, the beginning has been rushed slightly, but since the story is complete, I don't want to change anything :/ Seriously, I don't think I could. Thank you for the tip, though -- if I write any other action scenes, I'll definitely use that.

It's good to know that I did the transition okay too. Often that's the hardest bit in a prologue so I'm glad you thought I did it right. Ditto the depiction of children -- being, pretty much, a child myself (fifteen years old) and having cousins and siblings, I do know what children are like so it was likely my portrayal would be accurate.

The scar, in fact, has got nothing to do with the I must not tell lies thing, actually :D It was stolen from DH Part 1, when Bellatrix did something similar to Hermione. But I'm glad you thought that anyway.

Thank you for your lovely review :D

~Soraya~

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net