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Review:uncivilized says:
So, I'm finally here to review you. I got a bit bogged down for a bit and then I forgot, but I'm here now. ^_^ I'm sorry about the wait!

Sometimes I struggle to get into Marauders era fics, simply because there are a lot of them and I have read many. However, I am intrigued because of your description/introduction of sorts. This: "And, stuck in the middle of all of this, James Potter and Lily Evans realise that, in a war, you have to take a side..." is my favourite line and it's a great way to end it - you draw readers in that way.

I like that you jump immediately into the action - it's a good way to get readers into your story, but I do feel that you might have rushed it slightly. Maybe take the time to add in what thoughts were running through Lily's mind, how she was feeling - was she scared? What about the children? Little things - their expressions, were there eyes wide? Mouth open? Was Lily close to hyperventilating? Did she squeak in fear? Trip over something as she tried to back away? Adding those little details allows the reader to feel more involved - like they're actually there and seeing this happen. I think that's probably one of the most important things you can do when writing a story - making it possible to feel like the reader is there too.

I like your transitioning from one scene to the other - it's smooth, which is good, because an abrupt transition can sometimes throw readers off. Jenna and Layla's hope and belief in Lily seem to be very typical of what younger children are like - they always seem to believe that the older, 'wiser' person are able to get through things without worry. So, I like this accurate depiction of the children and Lily's thoughts and reactions to it. :)

You're very good at writing action scenes - so much is going on and you manage to get the urgency of the situation to come across, but I do think the chapter would benefit from adding thoughts and feelings behind the actions, just so that there is more for the reader to hold onto and feel. I absolutely adore the ending sentence - it's a lovely way to end it. The scar itself ties into Harry and his "I must not tell lies" scar and I love the parallel that you've drawn between the two.

thank you for requesting! :)


Author's Response: Hello there, Taylor!

No worries about the wait; the fact that you reviewed makes me a very happy bunny :)

I'm really glad you liked my summary, particularly that line. It took a lot of work, my summary, and when I couldn't even fit all of it in due to the length restrictions, I had to truncate it further. So thank you.

Yes, I know, the beginning has been rushed slightly, but since the story is complete, I don't want to change anything :/ Seriously, I don't think I could. Thank you for the tip, though -- if I write any other action scenes, I'll definitely use that.

It's good to know that I did the transition okay too. Often that's the hardest bit in a prologue so I'm glad you thought I did it right. Ditto the depiction of children -- being, pretty much, a child myself (fifteen years old) and having cousins and siblings, I do know what children are like so it was likely my portrayal would be accurate.

The scar, in fact, has got nothing to do with the I must not tell lies thing, actually :D It was stolen from DH Part 1, when Bellatrix did something similar to Hermione. But I'm glad you thought that anyway.

Thank you for your lovely review :D


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