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Review:darkkid says:
Slow it down a bit. I know you really want to get the story rolling, but you have to make the reader work for it!
Especially with that first paragraph. Use that paragraph as an attention grabber. Take hold of the reader and make them WANT to continue reading. You started off fine in the first sentence, but it was really rushed after that. Hermione is getting ready to leave for the Weasley's in the first couple sentences, then all of a sudden BAM! She's there!

Take a moment (a minute or maybe even an hour or two!) to add descriptions. Explain HOW she got ready (in a sentence or two) and then tell the reader how she got to the Weasley's (in a full paragraph!) You have the opportunity to really pull me in! Give me a setting and give me action. Rushing is fine for some parts, but in the beginning you really want to drag it out a bit. Really show us readers what you can do!

Be careful with dialogue. Remember that people speak a lot differently then they write. Think about it, would you more likely hear someone say "I'll get this done now." or "I shall finish this promptly." When speaking, people are generally really lazy. When writing descriptions, using bigger words is GOOD! Don't slouch with that, but people don't speak like that in this generation.

Ok thank you. I shall just go bring my trunk upstairs and then head outside to see Ginny.
You could make this a really great, in-depth sentence. Really make an effort in your writing! Make it simple, but make it good! Like: "Okay, thank you. I'll take my trunk up and find Ginny." Sometimes, the shorter the sentence, the better. Taking out "head outside to see" really saves space. It's not essential to write that because it was already stated once that Ginny was outdoors. ;)

When having a lot of dialogue, especially between two or more character, don't forget to throw in the occasional "Ginny said" or "Hermione muttered" and so on. This gets rid of confusion and helps with flow.

Your on the right track. You have a good plot going, but you are rushing too much. With proper descriptions, you could have made this one chapter into as much as three or four chapters! Don't get too eager when writing. Spend a lot of time on characterization and descriptive details. Write a chapter, take a day's break, and then go back and make edits and add revisions. :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your very lengthy review i can see you put a lot of thought into it and that is great! I will deffinately be working on these things i'm still working on this story so maybe i will go back and add more description and maybe get this chapter into one or maybe two more chapters. thank you for all of your advice.

~Slytherinchica08~


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