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Review:LovelyMioneWeasley says:
Hi there, LMW from the forums with your requested reviews. I was interested to see about your take on what seems to be becoming a classic next gen sort of story. Any of the Potter kids is certainly making it intresting to read.

I think that Albus and James have very and disctintive personalities; I think that you did a really good job having the sibling dynamic be believable. Sometimes, I find stories that make it so stiff or so loveable or just so extreme in one emotion that it reads as unrealistic.

Your main concerns were charactersation, humour, and flow.

Your characters seem to be generally original; it's only the first chapter but Albus seems too much of a pushover. It is sort of unbelievable for me at times; I think more resistance would help me. I love Jan; I think she's fun and original. I would love to read a story with just her and Al, but I definitely like adding her to this mix. James seems to be so unconcerned and selfish that it upsets me a little bit. I think that his lack of concern upsets me.

For humour, it seems a bit forced at time, but there were definitely certain points that I giggled and had to appericiate your POV and what you had to add. I like Jan and all the humor that is generally associated with her.

For flow, it works most of the time but there are minor typos and mechanical issues for me so that disrupts the flow for me as a reader. A minor reading over it or a beta could help out with such issues. For a first chapter, I think it was a little in depth but you definitely could hook a reader.

LMW

Author's Response: My Al is definatey a bit of a push over (especially when it comes to James) but I think over the course of the story he'll learn to say no a little bit. I look back over the chapter and maybe add a little more internal resistance.

I'm glad you love Jan though - she's like my new baby at the minute.She just writes herself which is really nice.

Humour is a bit scary for me. Most of my stories are really emotion-focused and not exactly funny, so ithink maybe I'm trying a little too hard sometimes? I'll go back and edit soon :)

I'll also go back and look over the grammar and typosand such - I always seem to miss thoes little nitty-gritty things.

Thanks for the review :)


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