Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:WeasleyTwins says:
Hi, WeasleyTwins here with your review as requested.

You mentioned in your request that it's been over a year since you've written anything, yes? I can tell that you are an experienced writer or have written in the past. You've given a nice mix of dialogue and description. But I have to wonder if you've tried to rush yourself a little bit. I know what it's like to come back to writing and feel the need to put something out there. Anyway. Your description is great. With such good description, readers need more, more! There is such great potential with the description throughout the piece. I'm talking about sensory details [sight, sound, taste, touch, smell]. The emotional descriptions/inner dialogue is spot-on. At the very beginning, I was actually hoping you would describe the coppery smell of the blood. It seemed that you were well on your way to several amazing sentences of description, but you began to move through the scene quickly.

I would like to also comment on your characterization of Sirius. I like the take you've got on him. However, I have a small suggestion. From what we see in canon, Sirius could be considered 'manly.' Not overly so, where he's got bulging muscles and he's 6'5, but I would say he would be a bit more...confident. There are canon descriptions of his confidence and haughty attitude. I picture him with a bit of confidence in his outwardly persona. I really think just a tad bit of cockiness would solidify your characterization of him.

As to your grammar, I did see a few mistakes here and there. They aren't easily noticeable unless you've got a trained eye. I would suggest an experienced beta who is perhaps an English major [or just plain awesome].

You're well on your way to a good fic here. Please feel free to re-request anytime!

Shelby

Author's Response: I try not to rush! But I get so antsy. :P
I'll have to go back and look at my description and add to it. :)

I think Sirius (and all male character, for that matter) like to put more of show on. They're confident on the outside, but I was trying to show what was really happening on the inside. It was sort of an odd situation for him, something he wasn't really expecting. I'll have to go back and really try to solidify that part!

I'm too proud for a beta. :P Or maybe I'm just too lazy to find one. Ah well!

Thank you for the lengthy review! Very helpful!


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 334
Submit Report: