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Review:wenderbender says:
Hello! wenderbender from the forums with your requested review.

Okay, so my first thought after reading your author's note: thank goodness I'm not the only one who starts writing without a plan! Your opening is very catchy. I was interested right from the get-go, and I was surprised that Sirius was the main character (for some reason I thought it was a female OC...). It threw me off balance, which is a good thing to do to your readers...keeps us on our toes, and no one likes a lazy reader!

You have a great talent for description. I especially liked your description of the cold as "suffocating." I had never thought of cold that way, but after reading your description, I completely agree! When it's really cold, it's harder to breath for some reason. I also liked that you didn't provide a full description of the girl in one big paragraph. You dropped hints here and there, a much more subtle and interesting way of describing a character.

The one thing that bothered me was the fact that the girl didn't seem too pained by her stomach wound. Given the amount of blood on the ground, it seemed to me that the injury must've been more than superficial...and if so, things like walking without help more than a few feet and climbing a tree would be simply impossible. Perhaps while running away from an attacker, the adrenaline would do the trick...but going back to the castle with Sirius? He would probably need to carry her. Unless this is part of the mystery? Maybe she's only part-human or something? (I mean, how many people do you know with purple eyes?)

What I did get from her behavior was A. she's stoic B. she's logical and fairly even-keel (emotionally), and C. she's very mysterious. I even wondered, given her weak excuses and the fact that she seemed not to recognize Sirius at first, whether she was an imposter just pretending to be a Hogwarts student...an interesting start to an OC, to say the least. I liked the fact that Sirius is described as "dazed" after the encounter. That could explain why he doesn't ask more questions about her injuries and obviously weak story...or perhaps suggest that he was subjected to some magic. Maybe the mysterious OC has some Veela in her? Or, just maybe, she IS an imposter and used legilimens to extract enough info from Sirius to play the part of a student?

This story could go in so many fascinating directions...I'm looking forward to seeing what you'll do! Definitely rerequest when you've got a few more chapters validated.

xoxo wenderbender

P.S. I didn't really notice any grammar/vocab probs, just FYI! You have a very nice writing style, I don't think you need to worry on that count. ^_^

Author's Response: "The one thing that bothered me was the fact that the girl didn't seem too pained by her stomach wound."

Ah-ha! I was hoping someone would catch on to that... Hmmm. ;D

Originally I wrote a scene from my OC's POV after being left at the Hospital Wing, and let's just say she didn't necessarily stay there once Sirius was gone. I might throw it in the next chapter just for fun.

My OC was giving me so many troubles. Her personality is so different from mine and from anyone I know, so writing her takes a lot of time. I'm very glad you thought she was 'mysterious' because that's exactly what I was going for. It is a mystery story after all. ;) I have to keep my readers guessing!

I am VERY pleased to read this review. You have no idea how many times I went to submit this story and then just stopped because I didn't think it was good enough.

I'm nearly done with chapter 2 and will definitely request from you again! Thank you so much!


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