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Review:long_live_luna_bellatrix says:
Hi there! I know this is under construction, but I'm still slowly making my way through it. When I saw in in the BvB thread, it was the perfect chance. Besides, the last review is from about five months ago.

My favorite part of this was the Wanted poster, definitely. Those types of things usually exist only in the fantasies of 15-year-old-girls. I hope Alice was tickled pink, since we didn't really get much time to see her reaction.

Which brings me to a suggestion: detail. I don't know if I said this in previous reviews, so my apologies if it's repetitive, but I see so much more that could be in here. Anything from descriptions of setting and people to the students' reactions, and, as I already mentioned, Alice's thoughts as well. Her flashbacks are extremely interesting (this one was heart-breaking!) but they are only one piece.

You have such likable characters, and an interesting soda can comparison that's turning out quite nicely, so the only things that I personally see as needing some work is the actual technicalities. Detail, as mentioned above, as well as perhaps a bit on flow. Here, for instance, felt like a few too many choppy sentences:

"The rest of the day passes in a blur to me. All the classes are the same. The teacher drones on until it's time to do the activity. How interesting.

It's not until dinner that the tone of my day changes."

It's worth pointing out, anyway. ;) If you do come back to this (I know how it feels to have a story you like but can't get around to rewriting!), what would you change? What would you add? What don't you like about it right now?

Author's Response: ahaha Sarah, you didn't have to review this at all! I've definitely been putting off rewriting this story, and honestly, I don't know if it will ever be done. When I started this story, I didn't really have anything planned out. And I definitely agree with you - detail is lacking in so many places. Gah, what was I thinking when I was writing this story?

I think if I came back to LaSC I would change the wording of many things, for one. And I would probably change a bit of the plot - I'm a bit stuck right now as to what direction I should go with, or where it was going in the first place. And I don't like how my writing is choppy, like you said. Plus, some of the parts in this story seem a bit cliche to me that I'd like to change. I think I need to go over my characterization again because it's not really well defined at this point. I just jumbled everything together and hoped for the best. x__x Obviously the best plan.

But thank you so much for your helpful and thought provoking review! ♥ You are always so encouraging about this story despite my pleas that you review something else xD

--jordan


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