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Review:Akussa says:

Well first of all, I like your oc. She is original in the sense that she isn't; she's ordinary, no fluff or excess of confidence... I like her and you managed to keep her in character all through the chapter (no change of attitude that went out of character).
The other characters in your story were a lot more... superficial? What I mean is, you didn't go into a more indept characterization and that is good; there is no need to go through many indept character exploration in the same chapter but I do hope you will do so eventually or just come back to this chapter and add a little info just to give them more personality.

One other thing you should look out for is the dialogue; it doesn't always work well considering the time period this story takes place in. Some of it was a little too modern.

And, finally (sory if this is not so much fun to read but, it is part of the reviewing job!) there is a recuring error I noticed in this chapter (wasn't present in the first considering there wasn't any dialogue!) :

' “You’re the only person ... without fail,” She said,' 'She' shouldn't be capitalized, it is a coma that stands before it. It's an easy fix but it will help keep the story flowing when one reads it.

Your story is going on well. Sure it is at high risk of falling in the cliche category but it is still a good little story to read. I like your OC and the way she interracts with people; it's original and fresh in this lnd of FF!!


Author's Response: Thank you :)

I'll have to go back and fix that, I hadn't caught it before! I've had a bit of trouble with the speech, I would like it to fit in but I'm not knowledgeable as to how they would speak in the 60's. I might have to start a help thread in the forums for some examples.

I'll remember to add more to my characters so they're not so superficial as I go to rewrite my chapters. Thanks a bunch :)

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