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Review:long_live_luna_bellatrix says:
Wow, I was not expecting that ending at all. I read my way through the chapter, all was well, then BAM! Harry's in a grave. I actually froze for a second. And I have to say, you set that all up very nicely. You had me (and I'm sure many other readers) picturing Lily talking to a silent Harry, trying to apologize, getting more and more desperate as she failed to extract a response. Then you threw the grave sentence at us, very casually. You get plenty of brownie points for that!

That bit made the whole story, honestly. It was run-of-the-mill and pretty plain up until that point, when it spun off in a new direction. If you want to spice up the first three quarters or so of the story, it might be a good idea to look at the dialogue. Lily had a nice speech, but made for a monotone reading. No exclamation points, no stammering, no ". . ." as Lily struggled to find words, etc. It didn't sound quite as human as I thought it could've, if that makes sense. Especially since she was talking to a grave, a situation that many take a while to wrap their minds around.

Other than that, the only other major thing I saw was a grammar issue. When characters have multi-paragraph speeches, it's easy to be shaky on quotation mark placement. The grammatically correct way is, when a character starts a second paragraph of dialogue, to leave quotes off the end of the first paragraph, but still start off the second with them. For instance, your third and fourth paragraphs should look like this:

"James and Albus. . . famous before I was born because of everything you did.

"You always told me you were proud of me, but I didn't believe you. . ."

Does that make sense? It's one of those trickier rules. I'm also American, and have little knowledge of punctuation grammar elsewhere.

Putting all that aside, it really wrapped up nicely. I noticed some small typos that might be found by a second read through, but the plot and organization were fantastic. As I've already said, the twist at the end was perfect. I suddenly had this vision of Lily traveling the world, having a blast, living life on the edge, then coming home and being hit with all she left behind. Excellent job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review. I have now gone back through the story, based on everything you have said and altered and amended it to add more of Lily's feelings and descriptions through out the story.

Thanks also for pointing out the punctuation when dialogue runs over paragraphs. I did read up on it but obviously read it wrong. But now it's all sorted.

I tired to make her exact location as vague as possible with only subtle hints through the early part. It's good to see how sudden the true situation was.

Thanks again for such a detailed review.


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