Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Akussa says:
Hello!

First of all, thanks for entering my challenge and congrats on getting all three chapters up by the deadline!

So what I will do is make this review my general one (I've just read the three chapters and will review them separatly too); taking about the flow of this story; I hope this is alright for you :)

In regards to my challenge (the Missing Moments), I think you did a fantastic job. It was a very good idea to have this moment seen from one of their friends' point of view. I also really like the relationship between George and Angelina; it felt real and not forced on.
The story in itself though, isn't always easy to follow. The many scene changes; going to flashback; written in italics... it's just too much. It is very hard to keep track of the story at the moment because you break the rythm constantly and that takes the reader out of the story everytime.
One thing that I think definitly improved through the story is the characterization. In the fist chapter, you only scratched the surface and it gave a kind of "flat" personality but you went further in their personalities and emotions later on and I greatly enjoyed that.

All through the three chapters, I noticed you have a good spelling. Some little errors here and there but nothing muchor too hard to fix. One thing that is a bit more problematic is your ponctuation. That needs fixing because it is another thing that breaks the flow of the story. Here is an example taken from chapter one :

"... Might calm you down a little” there we go Alicia."; When you finish a piece of dialogue, before closing the quotation marks, you need to put your ponctuation in there, may it be a coma or a period or even an exclamation point. That will give an easier pace to your story.

So overall, it was a good story; a very interesting and enjoyable plotline as well as some defined and engaging characters. The flow, however needs work. Right now, it is too easy for the readers to get pulled out of your story and miss out on the great plotline; you need to get them hooked :)

Akussa

Author's Response: thank you sooo much for your great review! I was definitely looking forward to it! I'm extremely happy you liked all my ideas, and loved that you gave me some criticism on the flow. It's been mentioned before, but I'm really unsure how to go about fixing it. I might try to find a beta reader for that... I've been avoiding that idea because I want myself to improve by myself. Not very realistic actually. Everyone needs help :) I'm so glad you enjoyed the missing moment from someone else's perspective! I thought that there were so many different people who witnessed it, there has to be another way to go about it :)
Thank you so much for the review! can't wait to see your next one :)


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 997
Submit Report: