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Review:Akussa says:
Hello dearest!

I want to begin my review by thanking you for entering my challenge!

I enjoyed your story a lot; I found you explored this moment in a very original and believable way. This was a very emotional and true to character moment. You really captured Ron's personality and all through the read, we could see his maturity growing in a very painful (for him, I mean!) way.

I liked the rythm of his piece; going back and forth to little moments with Bill and Fleur, no need for real time references. The detailing of this story was really interesting, it was really like being inside Ron's head and heart.

Two little things of sentence structure stumped my reading though and broke the flow a little, in my opinion. You can chose to let them be, it's up to you but I wish to point them out to you anyway!

"He hoped that the external noises from outside"; seems a bit redondant to use 'external' and 'from outside',

"He knew that if Harry and Hermione had been caught, Ron would read of it."; I personnally think you should change the order of 'he' and 'Ron' (go with : Ron knew that if Harry and Hermione had been caught, he would read of it.)

Overall, you wrote a great little story, very emotional and a real definitive moment in Ron's developement. Great work!


Author's Response: Hi, thanks for reviewing! It was a really great challenge, I really enjoyed trying something new :)

I'm glad it was believable and most of all original. Originality is a bit hard to come by here on HPFF so it's nice that you thought this was original, thank you.

When I had originally wrote it, the flow of it was really awkward, I had to rewrite the transitions from past to present a couple of times so I'm glad that it flowed fine.

Now that you've highlighted "the external noises from outside" I'm just in awe that I missed that! Haha. I will edit that asap, as well as the other sentence. Your version definitely reads better.

Anyway, thanks for such a lovely review and a great challenge :)

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