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Review:kirstenalanna says:
kirstenalanna here from the forums for your review.

Is this a one-shot, or a chapter in a novella/ story?

Anyways, here you go

CHARACTERIZATION:
the only character that you really explained at all was Lucy, and the entire time she was telling the readers how sad and depressed she was. All because someone she loved moved away. It is sad, however, if you created a tie or a draw with the male character she is pining for, the effect and characters would be much more in depth. I feel like, for the most part, this is just skimming the surface. the characters aren't as well developed as they could be, so you come across as an immature or inexperienced writer.
suggestions: add more dialogue, or memory flashbacks with lucy and the male character. Show us how her mother "doesn't know" her, don't tell us. Lucy telling us how depressed she is gets old really fast. Show us. Is she holding herself as if she's physically falling apart? Does it hurt to breath? Does she have a journal? Is there a picture of the guy in her room? That type of thing.

PLOT:
It's rather slim. I had a hard time connecting with the story as well, because it was so shallow. Try adding mroe characterization.

FLOW:
It flowed okay, but could be improved with more description and more showing instead of telling. It also ended very abruptly.

that's my say!!

kirstenalanna

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing and I'll do my best to re-work as best as I can. Thanks.

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