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Review:LovelyMioneWeasley says:
Hi there, LMW from the forums with your requested review.

First off, I really like the banner and I think we have both entered or be interested in the same challenge. I'm not surprised you chose Sirius Black as the character to write about from the banner.

I think you have a good premise; tragic love and how it is involved with the war, the dying moments from someone lost to the First War. Sirius is not an uncommon character to do this pairing for so it was unoriginal but can be well done.

Your grammar and mechanical issues take away from any emotion for me. You use the wrong word in places like--No happy faces where detectable at breakfasts. Should be were detectable for instance.

When you dialgoue, you need to make sure that you use commas or periods between the dialgoue and the speaker. A beta could do some good help with something like this; also, the premise cannot be communicated well in just the 600 or so words you have here. I would consider re-writing and adding more detail. Add more sensory detail to the flashback, add smells or sounds.

It flows okay but because it is so short, a flow never really becomes established. I am interested how you would do something like this but my best reccomendation is to prowl around the forums looking for help to re-write the article about the death, to help with grammatical issues, and to help with detail.

Best of luck,
LMW

Author's Response: First off, thank you.

Yes, I was highly thinking about re-writing it making more detail.
I'll go over it, adding more punctuation, and make sure I'm using the right grammar.

Thank you! :D


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