Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:adluvshp says:
Hi there!!

This is AditiDraco95 from the forums with the review you requested.

Firstly, I apologize. I'm so very sorry for responding to your request sooo late! It has never taken me this long to fill a request before, but I got caught up in *life* and etc. etc.!! Sorry!!

Anyway, now coming to your fic,

Its a good start. Like, a good beginning in all. It is kind of an introductory chapter to the story and thats good 'cause there are many fics out there that just start off abruptly and it takes a little while for the reader to adjust to the plotline and characters of the story. But your start is pretty good, so congrats on that =)

Since it was a small and basic chapter, I don't have a lot to say on this, and I can't judge yet, but from what I've read, I think it would be better if you added a bit more Description in the story. Its all good like this too, but with a bit more description and all, it would be even better. I'm not saying t go on writing loads and loads of scenery and bore the reader, but you know, just a touch of some here and a touch of some there to keep the reader hooked and make the reader Visualise. I hope you're understanding what I'm trying to say =)
Like, let me give you an example:
"After a quick shower and some cereal without milk for breakfast she flooed to work, hastily making her way to the auror department. Once there, she dropped her bag underneath her new desk and sat down." Instead of presenting this in a matter-of-fact manner, you can write:
"After a quick shower and a hasty breakfast that consisted of cereal but no milk, she picked up her little beaded bag, glanced a once-over in the mirror, and flooed to work. She stepped out of the fireplace, brushing soot off her *whatever clothes she's wearing, for example*-- black jeans and dark green tank top, and then quickly mad her way to the auror department. The place was as usual bustling with activity and overflowing with people. Greeting some friends hastily in an off-handed manner on the way, she ultimately reached her new desk, set her bag down and seated herself with a sigh."

Its just my opinion of how a little bit of description (like I showed above) makes a story a bit more better, but its all upto you of course. I'm just giving my advice =)

And yeah, another thing, don't make your sentences too long that the reader finds it hard to understand at one go, for example here:
"She had never been much of a girly girl and much preferred male company to that of a whiny, upset girl maybe the fact that not many girls at all got into auror training was part of the reason Elixa was so interested in it."

I think its a bit too long and complicated sentence and you can make it a lot more simpler. =)

Well I think thats about it.

All in all its a good start and good job!!

Hope I was of help!!

Cheers!
AD

Operation: Green with Envy

Author's Response: Thank you so much for all your advice! I will defintely take you up on it!

Thank you again.

x Ely

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net