Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:TallestTower says:
Hello! It's Tallesttower from the TGS forums with your review. I'm very sorry about the wait, things have been really hectic.

I thought this was a brilliant first chapter for setting the mood and tone. It was intense and deeply atmospheric from the start. The mystery of the 'legion' really sets the mood of the fic. I especially liked the description of Aron's journey at the beginning, the rain seemed to suit the moment.

In comparison to the darker overall tone of the fic, Aron's characterization as a main character was lovely. He seems to have a sensitive side to him, but perhaps that could be a weakness? The comment about children was lovely, it suggested his character and made his relationship with Kara feel like it had more depth, as well as her small smile at the sight of him - which made the ending especially sad.

I thought the dialogue was perfect for the legion members as it was very official and seemed to build up the atmosphere of the society. I like how mysterious you made the Legion, as we know very little about it! Their motives and Soren's motives are both extremely intriguing! You built up the suspense really well.

I liked your description, it made the scenes vivid. However, to improve flow be careful not to overuse and. Like here "Her screams turned into a yell and she forced her arms forward and Soren was struck by a ball of golden light that pushed him away from her and right out the window behind him. " The repetition of the word and makes it begin to sound a bit like a list, so maybe when you proof read try and looking out for that and replacing the extra ands with 'whilst' or something similar that fits :) Hopefully that will improve the flow.

You've built up the intrigue very well for the first chapter and I think it's a hooking prologue! Very well done!

One more piece of CC, in the second paragraph you refer to Aron as he/him, and then say "After all these years, they finally had him" which sounds a bit like your still talking abotu Aron, so watch out for that in the future, although it did build up the mystery, I thought you were talking about Aron at first.

Otherwise extremely well done, an atmospheric and intense prologue! Hope this review helped.

Author's Response: Hey Helena! It's fine, life happens. :)

I'm glad that you're liking it so far! Okay, I'll have to watch out for using 'and' too often. I'll go back soon and edits things like that in this chapter. Yay! I'm glad that you felt it was hooking! Oh, yeah I can see how you would think that now. I'll have to keep an eye out for things like that in the future. Thanks so much for the review and it really did help! You'll be seeing me again once the next chapter is up!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Submit Report:  





All stories remain the property of their authors and must not be copied in any form without their consent. This is an unofficial, not for profit site, and is in no way connected with J.K. Rowling, Scholastic Books or Bloomsbury Publishing or Warner Bros. It is not endorsed by any of the aforementioned parties. Rights to characters and their images is neither claimed nor implied. The use of photographs and/or the likeness of any person contained herein does not imply endorsement of any kind. Any depictions were obtained through publically available sources and therefore fall under fair use. Although we may provide links to other websites, we are not responsible for any material at these sites. You acknowledge that you link to these other websites at your own risk. All original administrative content is copyright of the site owner and must not be copied in any form (electronic or otherwise) without the prior consent of the siteowner. ©2000-2012 Fanfictionworld.net

[terms of service] [report abuse] [privacy policy] [site credits]
 
 

navigation

home

search HPFF
read stories
write stories
login/register
get help
site links
forums
podcasts
Terms of Service
Site Rules
contact us

  
 
 

categories & genres

Genre:
- crossover
- drama
- fluff
- general
- horror/dark
- humor
- mystery
- romance
- action/adventure
- angst
- au
- young adult

Popular Pairings:
- harry/ginny
- ron/hermione
- james/lily
- draco/hermione
- more...

Format:
- one-shot
- short story
- novella
- novel
- short story collection
- songfic

  
 
 

quick links

my account
ToS
random story
site rules
help
merchandise


  
 
 

fanfictionworld.net