hi there! for the review swap ;)
firstly, i LOVE this banner! i'm a huge fangirl of dani's work :P
anyways, on to the story! i like this a lot overall. i think that you made the characters all distinct, which is difficult to do believably sometimes in a one-shot. i like that teddy actually has some ambition, and he's not just playing around and being a fool--like he's characterised in a lot of other stories :) i like jack, too, i think that he and teddy have a believable friendship.
i laughed out loud at the part that came where George asks teddy if it's illegal and then says he has the "perfect" spot for it after a pause. i didn't expect that, can you believe it, even from George!
i thought the part in the storage room was maybe a trifle too sweet for me. i can't imagine it happening quite like that in real life: maybe it would help to fluff up the dialogue with some padding of internal thoughts? cause also the thing about the auror is really unexpected, and i would be able to relate and sympathise more if i had seen that coming. or even if he thought more about it in that moment, you know?
i also don't know about the present tense in this story. it would be better for me in past, because there are certain things that i expect to be taken advantage of in present tense that i didn't see here ;) also, in the first paragraph there are a couple tense inconsistencies :)
but i like this a lot, anyways! i like that Teddy wears lime green robes--i feel like it's something that Tonks would have liked :)
i might have liked the story to end, though, at "so, do you think he uses air quotes every time he says mouse?" i think that would be a good ending, specially for a one-shot!
great job, this was an amusing read--and good luck in the challenge! :)
Author's Response: Hehe I'm a total fangirl too! I've asked her to do every single one of my banners, *blush* :D
Thanks! :D Oh, yes Teddy's no fool, and I'm glad you like Jack and his friendship :)
Hehehe I love that bit too! I was hoping you wouldn't expect it, even though it was a very George thing to do :) It just showed that he's not very mature, even twenty five years after the war :)
Aah, ok I get what you mean :) Yeah with the auror thing I kind of meant for it not to be expected, as Teddy hadn't been thinking about it before, it just rushed out if you get what I mean? But maybe I could add some of his thoughts in the moment, I understand where you're coming from :)
Yeah, when I was writing it I knew some people wouldn't like it. I mean, most of the time I write in past, but I just wanted a difference :) Oh dear, I'll totally get to those inconsistencies right away! :/
Ahh, thanks :) Hehe yeah she would of :D
Yeah that would've been! I might think about that... :)
~NeverGotHerLetter x x x x x