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Review:LovelyMioneWeasley says:
Hello there, LMW from the forums with your requested review.

Okay, so, I think it's really, REALLY hard to make a good Sirius/OC into a one-shot. We have such an understanding of who Sirius was and how he interacted with girls. It is pretty much outlined how he was a bit of a flirt and such. All that being said doesn't mean he couldn't be heartbroken.

I think that this is a very believable Sirius/OC. I think you made Sirius a believable guy with some sweet tendencies including protecting his friendships and falling in love. It's sweet, it's endearing, and it's heartbreaking that he would make such a swift decision about love because of one girl.

I think that your story is vey original and very nice to read about, but your OC is a little underdeveloped for me. I am curious to know of more of her emotions as to why she accepted the dare, does she feel any guilt or remorse about having sex with Sirius? All sorts of other questions come into my mind as well.

As for grammar, there are some word choices and phrasing that make it a bit awkward in places. Your dialgoue seems a bit off at times especially with James. Maybe breaking up his long speech due to some interruption with Sirius might help. You also need to address some comma issues amongst other things. My best reccomendation would to be read sections aloud; see where you are gasping for breath or it seems like too much information at one time. This techinque could help in the future.

You did a good job on the one-shot; I think though that this idea may have been more condusive to a short story or even novel. There are some ideas that work for one-shots really well and this one works but I would have liked to see more development and detail as a reader.

LMW

Author's Response: hello thank you for reading and reviewing! I will take into consideration all of your advice while i continue writing. The only reason i didnt really go into how the oc was feeling about hurting sirius was because i wanted to keep this all in one pov and sirius wouldnt know how she was feeling about it.. only about how he was feeling about it. Again thank you so much for reading and reviewing!

~Slytherinchica08~


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