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Review:Arithmancy_Wiz says:
Hi, Slytherinchica. Thanks for the review request and congratulations on posting your first one-shot. You mentioned characterization and flow in your request so I'll focus mostly on those.

For characterization, I liked that you decided to turn the tables on Sirius in this one. He is usually depicted as the one taking advantage of women but now he's the one getting used. I also liked that he was nervous over the evening, not just because of what he thought was going to happen but how he was going to keep it all from his friends. The mix of emotion helped to flesh Sirius out as a character a bit more. As more minor characters, the rest of the marauders didn't have a huge role but it would have been nice to see them in less typical situations. We know from the books about playing pranks and being Animagi. It would be nice to know what else you as an author picture them doing on a typical night at Hogwarts.

Overall, the flow worked well. The timeline of the piece works really well for a one-shot, just covering the span of a few hours. I particularly like the way you chose to open the story, right after the snogging. It makes the end feel fresher than a revisit of what just happened. The ending was a bit short, considering the length of the build up to that moment, but in general, the piece flowed nicely. I'm glad you kept it as one fluid piece and didn't break it up into smaller sections.

The only other comment I'd make is to watch a few grammar issues. For example, typically a sentence like "James back in the room please." I said trying to break him out of his trance...would have a comma after please, not a period. And when a character says another character's name while speaking to them directly, like "Yeah I know Sirius, it's a lost cause and..." there should be a comma before and after Sirius.

Thanks for sharing your story and good luck with future writing.

Author's Response: hey thank you so much for reading and reviewing my oneshot! I'm glad you liked the way I had Sirius and will take into consideration about trying to make a situation less known in future pieces. I'm glad that you thought the flow of my piece worked well and that doing this oneshot over a span of a couple of hours seemed to work for it. I will make sure to watch out for the small grammar issues as well. I still have some fixing to do with that so hopefully i will get everything fixed.

Thank you for your time and the lovely review.


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