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Review:soccerj18 says:
Hi luv!

Coming from the forums.

Alright, so I think you characterized Sirius and James pretty well, but I think you were a bit too formal with their speech. For example, I just can't imagine the Marauders calling each other by first names. I know that you were writing this before they became animagi, but it still sounds a bit too formal. I could see them calling each other something like 'mate'.

Secondly, I know this was mentioned before, but I think the flashback could be made clearer. I had to read over a few times to actually catch where it started. So italics would have been lovely right there.

Third, I don't think you developed Kristi and Sirius' relationship enough. To me, it seemed like they got together once or twice, and then Sirius told her she loved him. I think it takes away from the point of the story (that Sirius got rejected in love), because it feels like he was more 'in lust'. So maybe add a bit showing the process of him falling in love. Even a sentence like 'The more time I spent with her, the more...' or something like that.

I hope that helped! But really, good job.

Author's Response: hey thank you for taking the time to read over my oneshot and for reviewing as well. I'm glad you thought it was good and i will keep in mind the advice you gave me. I think i meant to put in something that showed their relationship develop more but that i ended up forgetting that i wanted to add it. Again thank you for your time and the review.

~Slytherinchica08~


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