Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:DemetersChild says:
DemetersChild here with your second review!

Flow and information are just fine. The thing I had a problem with was that this was from Morana's perspective and she's not even five yet. This writing style is that of someone who is much older. I suppose it's fine since it's written in past tense and it could be Morana writing this as an adult, but it just seems so weird. It doesn't sound like a 4 year old girl. Even her conversations, her thoughts--I think they're a bit too complex. And Allen, he would be 3? Maybe even 2? The way you've written him I imagine him to be a 5 year old at least.

Most children that small don't understand death. I don't think Morana would see her mother die and really accept it like that. Not if she was 4 years old. It's just something to think about.

I am really enjoying the story though. It's definitely caught my interest. I'm curious as to who Chris is and why Fenrir was there and what's going on. I want to know why Vena came home early and what had happened that night. Very very curious to find out!

Magically Yours,

Dem

Author's Response: Aha! That's what was wrong. I knew something was definitely off in this story so far, and that's certainly one of the issues. It's sad that I have a child around that age, and I still can't manage to write in the POV of a child that age. My goodness, it's killing me.

I'm going to go back and definitely try to dim it down a bit. Maybe I'll actually sit and listen to my little cousin (who's three) and my son whenever they have their little conversations to see exactly how kids that age talk. It's driving me nuts trying to write like them without going overboard.

So, thank you so much for that critique. It's something I desperately needed. And I'm happy this story got you thinking, dude. Everything should come out in future chapters about everyone, especially why Vena came early.

Thank you, dude! Your reviews were so helpful as I'm starting to go back and edit some of these chapters before posting a new one. Thanks. :)

-Reyes91


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 418
Submit Report: