|Review:||Jackson Robles says:|
All right! I'm here, what's up? See, I'm actually pretty proud of how soon I managed to walk over here from the forums. You wouldn't believe the amount of distractions one finds from your link to here! :O Anyways... I've read this about two and a half times (best not to ask about the half ;D)
The first time I read this fic, I realized that I really didn't notice the POV change from her to him all that much at all, which is surprising, considering the powerful emotions that wrack the entirety of Hermione's internal monologue. And I know 'wrack' has an odd sort of negative connotation, but we're going with it.
While lying in bed before getting up for class this morning, I was thinking about a lost love of mine (this pertains, just wait for it) and how there are some things I could say to her. I could say that what I MEANT by what I said was that she was more important to me than all that. I was telling her how I felt about her. And then I thought about how that might sound if I wrote it into a story. That translated into: a character in a story telling another character how they were suddenly going to change their life. And then that translated into an internal monologue. And then I thought about how poor of writing that would be. We're telling a reader exactly what they should be thinking. "Oh, from now on they're going to act like THIS because of THIS." When, if we've done our job, they should surmise that information from the story as it plays out.
Now! To link my review of your story and that story I just told. I feel like this story HAS to indicate in certain places how we should feel. Because you're breaking canon - Hermione never had these thoughts in the books, and because your right angling our thoughts (turning them from the path they should be on), you need a bright and glamorous statement to change our point of views. Thusly, you are given a bit of leeway in your sentences and the statements you make with them.
BUT! I've GOT to call out the absurd statement made when Hermione thinks "No matter how hard I tried, I never managed to ignore it and I knew that, sooner or later, I would end up falling in love with him, even if it was not something I wished." I mean... think about saying that to someone you loved in real life. I love quite a lot of her thought processes, but I have to tell you I cringed a bit when I read this. (Not to mention it's a realy long sentence when read aloud)
Though I feel like we need some sort of sentence like that. As though we NEED to be broken free of the ties to Ron that Hermione has, and this suffices that purpose actually rather well, if it isn't a bit over the top. :)
Time to move on though, as I feel I'm getting long winded again. The story has very viscous language, like wading through a pool of syrup to read, which isn't a critical statement, really. Joseph Conrad wrote in this style, saying every word he could think of and then some to convey the setting and feeling and taste of the story, almost like we can't help but be there and experience what the characters are experiencing - and this story has the same taste to it. Intermittent melodramatic statements aside, your language is sufficiently poetic and if the final paragraph isn't testament enough, then Hermione's last is as well.
Which reminds me, I feel like Hermione is genuinely OOC in this story. That is to say, as though she is meant to be a little different and not that it's a flaw. Her obsession with Harry is so very real and slightly disturbing that our lovable Hermy from the books seems left behind. It's like the life these two have led (the life we don't know about) has turned her mind loose and unhinged her slightly. Like the war didn't end in May of that year and that they've seen so much.
Which is another wonderful aspect of this story. There is truly so much that could happen - it's like a frayed rug, on with all it's threads tied together in small bunches. We could spend hours speculating on all that might have happened, what is happening and what might happen - all the wonderful things a really powerful story needs. One that sticks with you, you know? :)
Long story short, I'm an H/Hr shipper on the inside (Harry/Pansy too, but that's not important) - and I like this. I felt this was less about the ship and more about the individual characters as well. I mean, Hermione's mind state alone is a maelstrom. And I like that. I like this. Thanks for requesting Nashira. :)
Author's Response: SO! I had to read your review twice lol, seriously I think I was too sleepy the first time I read it, because I didn't understand a word and I thought it was a mean review lol and the second time it made a lot of sense x)
First of all, thank you for reviewing! I was so happy with it that my cheeks didn't stopped hurting for like an hour or so... just kidding, but it did make me happy.
I never thought about Hermione being OOC! But your reasons are valid enough, lol. So I guess she is, but I guess I'm talking about a Hermione that has seen too much, that is tired of fighting and that just wants a normal life. A Hermione that has also been hiding her love for her best friend for so long. Besides JKR never truly got us inside her mind ;) lol
As for grammar, I'm mexican, blah, blah, need to improve, more blah, story has been beta-ed and I'm waiting for it to be validated :D and blah
Anyway, I think that will be it, again thank you so much for reviewing!