Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Jackson Robles says:
So I've got a better way to put it! It's like you cast a line to us - the reader - like you're fishing. And we're the fish. And we're coming to the hook, ready to bite at the worm. But then you retract it! Right as we're about to bite - and instead of feeling cheated and left to twist in the wind, we're relieved and surprised! It's like you played a bit of a joke on us and we're left grinning, feeling oddly at peace. (If that makes ANY sense!) haha

So where are we. Obvious strife, and a bit of communication error where people assume this (people meaning Vic.. and maybe to some extent the Rose/Cort fiasco) wrong idea and all that goes along with the whole extortion ;) (I'm watching Return of the King while writing this.. so if some of the wording seems strange it is because I'm watching Gandalf scold Pippin...) RIGHT! So after an hour, I'm back to writing! (Good stuff though)

I think what I really like, for me, about these chapters, is their like pictures (worth how many words) - we're getting glimpses, and I don't exactly feel as though the story has started up quite yet. And while I don't see that as a bad thing, I really do like this 'picturesque' style I've found you writing in.

You continue with those powerful sentences - a wonderful tool to use. It is exemplified right off the bat when you are in Vic's head and she over and over and over implies that THIS TIME it would be different - THIS TIME it would work - and then there's the sentence - just a lone sentence - that contradicts her entire thought process. That's powerful, poignant writing at it's best. And I love it.

I also adore those short, bright sentences that take control of everything, and the best example of those is the sentences that end this chapter. It's powerful - he tries, she rejects him - he seemingly rejects her. And the slamming door means so much! .. I mean, quite a lot does, and I find myself reading the first romance that I'm not already predicting through to the end - or bored with, you know?

Her reaction seemed kind of blatant - and not really at first, but then when she said "Well I don't feel like your wife" - that feels blocky to me, like she's indicating, I suppose, you know? And I HATE to say this - but who really talks like that? It struck me as a form of melodrama, but I guess to me it sounds like that.

Uhm. I hate to end this review on a low note, so I will say I enjoyed the character development. Rose strikes me as a romantic, but regular, girl just trying to connect with someone she has a good time talking to - but losing her patience wit him (and being unable to figure out that early on that the relationship just can't work). Teddy feels stagnant in that he really is supportive of his wife and is unbelievably forgiving - though it's HER mentality that ruins most of it. Her controlling personality just causes her to become so emotionally frustrated at not being able to control one of the most important aspects of her being.

So! I liked it :) If that wasn't clear at all.

Author's Response: Thank you so much, Jackson! I really adore your reviews--you open up a real conversation about writing as a craft, which I really appreciate!

I'm honored by your fishing metaphor!

Thank you so much for your comments on my writing style. I experimented with playwriting and screenwriting which are more visual, and I am very happy to see that this same sort of picture style of writing works in prose too.

Thank you so much for your critique! I hope to take another look at this story and rework it.

Thank you!

Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 197
Submit Report: