It's always so hard to review someone who is quite talented with words, so I will do my best to address everything that you asked me to look at in your post.
Because both chapters are so short, I decided that rather than leave two reviews (that may or may not have been helpful at all), that I'd leave one (hopefully) helpful review.
Having not read any of your other stories, I don't really know how this one differs from them. However, that being said, I rather like how this one was written. First person is quite interesting to use in such a dark fic, but I think you pull it off quite well.
The characters are quite interesting. At first I had no idea who the narrator was, I was shocked and pleased when I found out. Also, while you never right out say "these characters are in Slytherin" they surely feel like they are too me. However, knowing teenage girls, it matters little what house they are in as they can all be (at times) very catty and vindictive. So it would not surprise me to find that Rose and her friends are in a different house.
I am quite interested in the plot, and can't help but wish there was more of this written so I could continue to read. I really want to know what Clara did to her sister. It is sad really, to think that one would resort to such measures because of 'stupidity'. Also, I feel as though Clara has done something more to Rose to make her turn against her and wish to kill her. While I imagine the term 'kill' is used loosely and means more of "I'm going to ruin you until you wish you were dead" type deal, this seems very strange of our Rose (assuming she is Rose Weasley). Which leaves me hoping for more background information on the narrator so we can begin to put the puzzle pieces together and have that "AH-HA!" moment when everything clicks.
As for creepiness...when I first read it, I wasn't exactly creeped out. More intriqued than creeped out. The narration is amazing and does hold a slight air of creepiness, but as it is only the first two chapters, it is not something that comes across strongly. Rose's personality in chapter one is certainly creepy, because we are uncertain of who the narrator is and why they are doing what they are doing. Yet, one can almost imagine the Dark Lord in such a position of power trying to draw information out without resorting to violence. I am certain that as the story progresses the creepy factor will definitely become more apparent and hopefully send chills down one's back. I just didn't feel that in these two chapters.
Overall, I absolutely enjoyed these first two chapters and am quite interested in knowing what is going to happen next. There is definitely a lot of suspense left over at the end of the chapter. So please, request again when the next chapter is up! I can hardly wait not knowing!
Author's Response: Hi, Len! Firstly, thanks for such a wonderful review, I really appreciate it! :)
First person is really difficult to pull off in general, especially in something like this (as I'm discovering as I continue to write). Once I knew what I was actually writing about (I didn't at first), I came to look at this story as a play on the typical catty dramatic!Hogwarts story, and since there's a lot of first person in young adult/Hogwarts-age stories, I thought it an appropriate choice.
I'm glad that the narrator's identity surprised you! Part of it was indeed for the shock value, but I want to work around the shock value and make her an actual character. As I told you before, the entire cast of characters (the ones we see thus far, anyway, including Clara's splintered triumvirate) is in Gryffindor, but I didn't mention that because, as you rightly said, it doesn't matter. Although it's very interesting justifying these characters' behavior in the context of being in that House; there's a huge element of pride in all of them, and a belief in righteousness and honesty that the narrator, at least, takes to an entirely different level.
What indeed did Clara do to her sister? But I should tell you now, that isn't the focus of the story. I think the focus is more on the narrator's attempt to kill Clara for what she believes she has done. We will find out what happened, in bits and pieces, but just as the girls' House doesn't matter so much, neither does what actually happened. That's something very important in the scheme of the story. You're right, of course, that the term "kill" is used to mean "ruin," and I find it interesting that you feel that way. She is a strange young witch, I think that much is clear. Since this is from her point of view, we will get to know her better, but at a very slow pace. She's very single-minded in her pursuit of Clara.
Ah, the creepiness. I think that's more something I feel because I've written ahead, but intrigue is definitely worth more to me than creepiness. I'm glad it doesn't come across as strongly because I'd rather show her descent than show her at a stagnant level of creepiness. And I like that you draw that parallel because, when I wasn't sure what on earth I was writing or who the narrator was, I naturally did think about Tom. He is manipulative, awful, easily offended by his victim not appreciating his genius. My narrator is all of that as well, but one thing she isn't is charming. Tom, even as Voldemort, charmed his victims and threatened them when that didn't work. She does not do that; her style is much less... seductive, for lack of a better word. And that element of her personality, and the creepy-factor, will become greater elements as we go on.
I'm really happy you enjoyed these chapters and I hope I can live up to your expectations! Will definitely let you know when I update, and thank you for such a wonderful review!