Here from the forums to review :)
First of all, I really liked the plot of this! The bludgers with the swelling solution was a good idea and James saving that girl shows a different side to him than what Lily might expect. And the idea for your whole story, Heaven's Light and Hellfire, two different sides, is very clever. I liked this chapter, it definitely fit in with the Heaven's Light theme. I'd be interested to read the next chapter, so I hope you're writing it.
The first thing that struck me when I read your piece was your way of writing in present tense. And one of the first sentences, "Alright, bad idea. Note to self, donít move unless you want an excruciating pain to course through your entire body." was a bit confusing, because you've written it in third person, but that line seems remarkably first person-ish - (Note to self). Maybe you could change it to something like, "A note to remember, don't move.." Also, you don't really need an 'an' before the excruciating pain. Just, "want excruciating pain" would make more sense. So, about the writing style, it works well. At the beginning I was trying to figure it out, but as it went on, I got into it.
The dialogue is great. You got across a sense of their relationship without them arguing. I liked their conversation. You kept both of their characters real while writing dialogue that I can believe they would've said. So your characterisation was great. Lily got to see a different side of James, so you explained why she could be there. And mentioning Lily's boyfriend and his reaction to James is another plus. The story definitely flowed, I didn't find any disruptions.
Spelling/grammar/punctuation is perfect really. Couldn't find any mistakes at all!
Overall, a clever idea for a two-shot, to show two contrasting themes, ideas. I'm not sure whether the second chapter will be a continuation of this story, or a completely different one? Your summary suggests a completely different one, with Snape I think. It's just my opinion but I think it would be cool if you could find some way to link the two chapters together. Well, I enjoyed reading that, and I liked it! This review is long, but I hope it helped in some way or another!
- maskedmuggle / Charlotte :)
Author's Response: Hiya! :)
Sorry it's taken me awhile to respond, I wanted to wait til the queue opened so that I could edit the story, which I have you to thank. A few other reviewers have also commented on that sentence and I always promised that I would edit it but I never got around to it because truthly, I was stuck on how to fix it. So your suggestion was incredibly helpful, thank you so much for that! :D
I didn't explicitly say so, but the swelling solution was meant as a Marauder prank gone wrong hehe. Thought it would be amusing to have one of their own pranks backfire on them. The girl saving was a nod to Harry's heroic tendencies, something I like to think he inherited from both his parents. To be honest, I did struggle a little bit with the Heaven's Light theme, wanting to find a balance between being too cheesy and being too subtle so it's great to hear it worked out well.
You have no idea how happy I am to hear that's what you think about the dialogue. When it comes to dialogue, the first thing I always keep in mind is realism and believeability. I'm sure they argued every now and then but I find it hard to believe that every conversation was a screaming match then BAM! they fell in love. I wanted to take a more gradual approach.
Yup, your guess is correct ;). The next chapter will involve Snape and will be a darker take on his love/lust/obsession with Lily. I was leaning towards making it post-Hogwarts, when Snape is a death eater though I'm still working out how to go about it. But your suggestion about linking the chapters together, while I wasn't going to intially do so, has struck a spark of inspiration. Dunno whether I should reveal here and spoil it for anyone, hehehe. But thank you so much for this amazing review, I really appreciate your contructive criticism, it was really helpful.