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Review:LacyBlu and Branu says:
It's a nice start. I liked your descriptions of each of the characters checking their watch -- it ties them all together nicely. You don't need so say (at the same time). Maybe you could show it by having them all check their watches and the first one is ten minutes to six and the next one is eight minutes to six, and so on. Also, I think it would really help you out if you got a beta reader. You have some simple gramatical problems that could be easily fixed. Also, try varying the construction of you sentences. Yours are all "he did this. He did that. She went there. She looked at that." Try combining some senteneces and making them longer or shorter. That will really help with the flow of the overall piece. But most of all: keep writing! You will only get better with practice, and I can tell that you definitely have wonderful places you want to take your readers. Hope this was helpful! ~Lacy

Author's Response: I had to change the format from the original b/c it was rejected they wouldnt post it, after 4 times they finally accepted the one that is up now. my reader and I chose that writing style. thanx for ur review.

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