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Review:Akussa says:
Hi, Akussa from the forum with your requested review.

Well this is an interesting begining. Great idea in the sense that you gave Albus a very different soul and feel than the one we usually see aroun here; it is quite refreshing.

However, I have to say that this chapter is really, really hard to read. You should think about getting a beta to help you arrange this chapter because all the typos and structural errors take away the reader's attention and desire to keep on reading. You have a good idea here, something that could really be a great story but it'll be hard to get people to fully appreciate it if it stays the way it is now; the flow is constantly broken, we have to go back and re-read sentences several times to understand them and there is really no rythme.

I noted some errors that I think should be corrected in order to help the flow of your story. This isn't everything I saw but it's what distracted me the most. I really don't want to be to hard on you, simply want to help you get the most out of your story.

"Albus Severus Potter, age of eleven years"; take out the 'of'

"had eyes just like his father."; his father's'

"Albus who out of annoyance shook his head like a golden retriever would and splattered water everywhere."; either take out the 'who' or add something else at the end because, as it is now, it's only a fragment of a sentence, the reader expects something more to come but the sentence ends and it breaks the flow

"Perhaps it was because she was quick at thinking of answers than Albus or Hugo for that matter, considering they were all the same age."; should be 'quicker'; also, the way you write the sentence makes it sound like the three of them are all the same age, is it the case in your story? if so, are you aware this is not cannon? (I said I would point it out in my thread !!)

"but his expression remained with apprehension,"; either change it to 'remained filled with...' or 'remained apprehensive'

"He appeared to be exceptionally nervous, and was waiting to see if he’s friends would find him over the sticky crowd"; should be 'his friends' not 'he's'

"It was freaky when Teddy pulled off a sign monstrous features of only in which occurred once he was agitated."; I have no idea what you mean there, please restructure this sentence. Also, Teddy's age is wrong if you follow cannon, he should be 19

"Sneakerscope"; is actually spelled 'sneakoscope'

“I bet it has something to do with you kissing, Victoire” boasted Albus, now making kissing remarks with his mouth."; first, the comma should be after 'Victoire' not before; second, do you mean 'kissing noises' or 'kissing mimics'? the 'kissing remarks' doesn't mean anything

"he did not want to be in Gryffindor because of, James."; no comma

"Albus felt the train begin to move as the students within in had found there desired places with there friends, all talking about what they did for the summer."; I don't understand why the 'as the students..' it's not clear what you mean. 'within it' maybe?; also, two times you write 'there' when it sould be 'their'

"A small boy with the colour of silver eyes"; the structure of this sentence is wrong


Like I said earlier, it's not a bad start but you need to work on getting this chapter cleaned other wise, it's really hard to read and keep track of the story considering we always have to go back to make sure we undersand what you mean.

I hope you didn't find this too harsh, it wasn't my intention at all, I simply wish to help you improve your story. It's a great idea, the characterization is original and refreshing so I wouldn't want you to abandon it because of what I said...

Akussa

Author's Response: Hello, Akussa.

Thank you for reviewing my chapter! I have a very big imagination, and sometimes I cannot seem to get it all down the way I want to at first. However with your thoughts and ideas, I am able to grasp your methods on the grammar, the missing links (confusing parts) and no you was not too harsh on what you said. I enjoyed reading your review with great appreciation. Now I have a chance to go over the chapter and redo some parts. I'm not giving up yet!!


-darknovember88

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