Well, this was certainly another interesting chapter!
That's the first thing I thought of as I finished.
The second was, that was awfully long. I'm a bit mixed up about the length. On the one hand, I could read more, and the intermission was great, but it felt like it was dragging a bit. On the other hand, a lot happened in this story, and some parts of it might have had more impact if it was split into two. Nevertheless, I got through it, and I did enjoy reading it.
Your story and the way they connect to the lyrics really is clever. Your story seems so very well planned, with all the Indian things mentioned.. the places mentioned that are Indian-sounding… are they real places?
I thought in this part here, "Suddenly she grabbed his arm, yanked him into the noisy pub and dragged him straight to the back. She flung open the door of the men's toilet, and they tumbled inside… Luna's kisses smoldering down his neck." Luna sounded VERY out of character, but she is an adult, so she might have changed. It still feels a little out of character. Maybe Rolf was the one who, "grabbed her arm", "yanked her in", "dragged her", "flung open the door", etc? By the way, the words you've chosen really show the intense emotion. Grabbed, yanked, dragged, flung… really powerful words.
Overall, it was an enjoyable, interesting, original, very well written and detailed fic, where the unexpected keeps happening. I'm really curious to find out who those men are, and what/if Kanwal is hiding anything! And what's going to happen the very next day - so please update soon! :)
Author's Response: Hi. I'll be honest here that I'm trying to dig myself out of a hole of shame for all these unanswered reviews, and I hope you'll forgive my extreme delay.
That being said, thank you for this!
Yeah, I was actually pretty concerned about chapter length, but for the first two chapters just wasn't really sure where to split them. I may just have to hope that folks can enjoy them in spite of that. As I am editing and reposting this story though, I did address the length issue in future chapters. Your feedback really helped. :)
Some of the Indian things are real. For example, the Bundelkhand is an actual geographic region, and Jhansi is a real city. I included translations for the things I made up in the author's notes. As painstaking a process as this has been, it's actually been pretty fun learning a bit more about Indian geography.
As to your comment about Luna and the OOCishness: Originally I was playing off of how open and casual she is about things that other people treat as touchy--like when she was talking to Harry about the death of her mother--and that's what I was going for. However, your comment got me thinking about it, and I realized that that was not what I achieved at all. Your comment was spot on, and I have a hunch that you aren't the only person who would read it that way. I took your advice, and hope that the soon to be submitted edited version is better. :)
So, in short, thanks again for this review. It really helped me. :)