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Review:Nynfadora says:
This is a long review, so its done over two chapters, enjoy ;)
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Sorry I haven’t reviewed in so long, combination of travelling and work really mean that the fun things come second L But I’m reviewing now ( for the second time actually, finished the first one then BAM!- the whole thing just got deleted*sigh*)
Well, rambling stopping, reviewing starting…NOW!


I read this from the beginning to the current chapter, and its actually amazing seeing how much you have improved by! For example, in the first few chapters all of the description was rushed, then slowly more was added in until chapter 10, which was THE chapter for me- the one where your writing went from good to excellent. And then there was chapter 15, Horror House. Favourite chapter, for many reasons- the fact that it was the transformation did help- I think many were waiting for that! But the description was what made the amazingness that it was- the fact that you described every room in the shrieking shack is what made it so special- it just makes the story not seem so hurried, and its shows that effort and time have been put into this, not just a quick half an hour. The way you started that chapter was also one of many things that made it very effective - ‘Two people broke out of edge of the forest and slowed down from their fast paced run. They stood in a vast clearing made up of long, green grass and sticks that reached their ankles.’ it’s a great effect to not put the people’s names in when opening up a paragraph, and it worked really well here. It just shows that small, details like that are what makes up the story- I mean, from that quote I just copied and pasted I can tell so much, and with so many details like this throughout the story I think you have it almost perfect.
So, almost perfect, but I’m harsh so… ;) But there are only…. Two things I picked up on. And I’m being really harsh and mean at the moment- to be honest I’m never usually this critical, but I really think you can have the perfect writing style, and therefore everything has to be picked up on, even if it is annoying (Sorry!)

1) ‘Once she got most of the blood off, she racked her muddled brain for a spell that would magic her clothes on because she couldn’t move her arm. Even though her mind was beginning to feel lightheaded and she was beginning to feel like she was going throw up (which wasn’t unusual after a transformation), she still managed to remember the spell and quickly cast it on herself as quickly as possible, avoiding bothering her shoulder. She left her shirt and sweater off, seeing how she was sweating profusely, as well as her sandals.’ - in this paragraph, I just found that the words ‘she’ and ‘her’ were repeated a lot. I know that in a third person fic ( another reason I adore this fic, not many attempt third person, but when they do it comes out amazing) - perhaps Addie’s name could be mentioned more, and more sentences starting with connectives would be better. Sorry for being annoying, but it just stood out for me a bit.

2) ‘Remus laughed as he grabbed the chocolate from her hand…’
I just found with this that Remus switched moods too quickly- one minute hes tired, weak and upset and guilty for injuring Addie, the next hes laughing and grabbing chocolate. Don’t get me wrong, the way you described both moods was done well, you’re description is improving all the time, there just needs to be a invetween- there was one, I know, however that time was over so fast, perhaps a more gradualle slip into two contrating moods is needed- while you did it in three steps:
A) ‘Remus glanced at her and sighed. He then ran a hand through his hair, which as an apprehensive gesture he made when he felt a uncomfortable. “I…I hurt you,” he confessed slowly.’- step one- this is great by the way, the way you describe his ations are done really well J
b) ‘Remus sighed, “Fine, I agree.”’ - step two (indecently, the way you put sighed instead of said really put a mood to this of unwillingness, which is great- I noticed that you don’t use the word ‘said’ very often at all which is really positive. Without the ‘sighed’ this would have just been an add on to step three, so I think it shows that you are aware that emotions need to slip gradually (in most cases, not all) however you just to exaggerate this, and your done.
c) ‘Remus laughed as he grabbed the chocolate from her hand and said, “Deal.”’- step 3. Remus seems ecstatic in this! You wouldn’t think he’d just been feeling negative thought, so perhaps something more subtle could have been used.

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