Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:xtinjsc says:
Kuya! *tackles* :P

I know you must have noticed that my previous comments about this one-shot were mostly reserved to CC's and I have to admit that it was all because of a selfish reason. Haha. I knew from the beginning that I would be reviewing this and I wanted to reserve the good parts for myself so I wouldn't run out of words to give you. So forgive me if I wasn't very encouraging and generous with my compliments before. Heehee. That being said, let me properly begin this with:

CONGRATULATIONS ON PUBLISHING YOUR FIRST STORY! :D

Party! Hahaha. It's a good feeling, no? And judging from the responses you got so far, you did a good job! I am so happy, I think I'm gonna cry! *sniffles* Heehee. Kidding! :P

*composes herself*

What really struck me about your style of writing were your descriptions. I'm not really a fan of using clunky paragraphs to start a story, because I realized that they could be taxing to read sometimes, but you know what? I didn't mind it very much this time, because the way you presented that scene with Harry on that bed was very vivid. I could really picture him in my mind lying there with the sunbeams penetrating through the curtains and that's good! That scene on the lake where you described the environs was really well-written, too.

You also captured Harry pretty well, especially his 'hero complex', as some of your reviewers pointed out. I could really see him, the day after the Battle of Hogwarts, moping around and pondering about how it would all somehow be his fault. Yeah, Harry, never mind the fact that you died for all the people who fought in the war, never mind that you defeated Voldemort - blame it all on you. *rolls eyes* That's the thing about action heroes, no? They're all very conceited. Heehee. And it was really sweet that you got Ginny to reassure him to get a grip and stop being dramatic. I think all of us needs that, you know? That one person, that one voice that can calm us down and make us see more sense. Pfft. You just made me think of Gray, for some reason. Heehee. Anyway, it could really be possible that Harry would listen to Ginny, because it works like that, really. No more Sirius, no more Dumbledore to tell him it would all be okay - we all know he's too stubborn to listen to Ron and Hermione, right? So good call with Ginny. ^_^

As for Ron and Hermione... the brief glimpses you've shown us of the two seemed to be IC. You showed us Hermione's cleverness and compassion with that part about her convincing Kreacher to spike Harry's drink with the potion and I dunno, it's very her to be sensitive of her friend's needs, no? So good job on that one. I wish, though, that we'd get to see more of Ron in the future, just in case you plan to expand this *wink wink*, because for this chapter, we only got to see him doing the usual comic relief role.

One of my gripes about this was the way the descriptions seemed to be inconsistent. I mean, you did a very good job with them in the beginning, but the moment that the characters started talking, especially the part when Harry and Ginny came back inside the school, the story lost the descriptions somehow. The flow shifted with that part as well. I guess that's one of the reasons why the ending felt a little rushed? I was thinking the dialogues could use some description love as well. Like describing what the people were doing at the time would be a nice way to balance it out. Just a suggestion. And Harry calling Ginny 'Gin' didn't really sit well with me. It's very... fanfiction-y, don't you think so? Heehee. I hope I'm making sense. But see, I've never read of Harry refer to her as Gin in the books - just in fanfiction, so... yeah. :P And I still stand by my previous comment before that I find Ginny a little too polite on this one. Her lines were a little off for me. I guess I'm just looking for that witty sarcasm from her, you know? Then again, you know that I've never really thought about her character very much, so that's probably just me. ^_^

Your word choices were unexpected sometimes, but I think that's the beauty of it all - it made this story very you, see? I dunno but there was something about the way you constructed your sentences that reminded me of you. Pfft. Makes sense, considering this is your fic, but... yeah. Heehee. I'm rubbish with explanations. :P I guess my point is, I admired how you used words and wielded them together. There were some really good stuff in here like:

... his eyes secrets of a man who had experienced a thousand horrors.

It was just so beautiful and fitting to Harry, because he really did endure a lot. Kudos to you for nailing that line. But my absolute fave would have to be this paragraph:

An indeterminable time later, he felt a presence besides him. He didn't turn or acknowledge them and neither did they speak. Instead, they simply sat by his side and joined his vigil.

Gah! Words like indeterminable time and vigil just made it more unique, you know? And I think it showed your style the most and I loved it. There was an aura of realism about the encounter that I also liked, especially that part about him feeling lost and sort of struggling for words to say to Ginny. You made Harry very human, you know? Reunions are not always that easy in RL, even with those who shared a very deep connection in the past (Gosh. Especially to ex-lovers! You have no idea... *shakes head* :P) and I really appreciated you adding that hesitation in there.

You ended this well, too. I liked it, because it was very hopeful and it was just appropriate just in case you decide to finally add the next chapters. You could just pick up where you left off and the flow wouldn't be a problem. Overall, this was very good for a first fanfic and I am so proud of you! Truly enjoyed reading this and I hope you'll keep writing, you slacker! Heehee. I'll see you around, lurker! ^_^

Author's Response: Thanks Tin! Sorry this response is soo delayed. I wasn't quite sure how to respond... But thanks!

There will be more of Ron and Hermione in the future as they are Harry's best friends and I think it's important to keep them as a major focus. I do admit to being a little daunted at writing them because they're so well established in the books and everyone has a very strong opinion of what they should be like.

Yeah, I know what you mean with the descriptions. I tend to write massive sections of them at points and then barely any at others. Maybe I've just got a very narrow minded focus and can only concentrate on one thing at once ;). I'll try and rectify this in future.

As for 'Gin', I hadn't actually realised that she's never called that in the books. It's just something I wrote in subconsciously. I still think it works in the story, but I'll be careful to moderate my use of it. Maybe she is a bit polite, but there's a time and a place for wit and sarcasm. They're both suffering with grief, her having lost Fred and I think both would be a little shell shocked from the battle.

Thanks for the feedback! I hope you know just how much I appreciate your C&C on this story *hugs*


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

Examples:
  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 190
Submit Report: