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Review:Potternerd1997 says:
Did I already leave a review for this story? Oh well. Here's another one, 'cos I felt like giving you some constructive criticism.
I think your use of words is simply wonderful. Your grammar is close to flawless and your dialogue...fits, if you know what I mean. It just works well with your characters and your story.
You have a pretty good use of setting and characterization through that setting, which is pleasurable for the sake of imagery to the reader.
You have the same problem I usually have but am attempting to smooth out: you want your main plot to move too fast. You start in the middle of the action, giving away everything that Hermione is thinking and leaving no real suspense for the reader to uncover. You almost make it obvious how the story will turn out.
Your story is not one that could be stretched out over several chapters, and of course, that's perfectly fine. There are so many stories that are better as a one-shot or short story. Your one-shot is very typical for a first-time story or a first-shot at a character or character pairing. (Please don't take offense to that, we've all been there, I actually deleted mine.)
I think that my favorite part was when she was in the library. That's a very Hermione-ish thing for her to do, and I would expect it out of her, and from J.K. Rowling had she been writing this rather than you. Your impeccable sense of setting almost off-puts your lack for sense of timing and pace.
Ron and Hermione are pretty well in character, too, except, I think, at the beginning when Ron is quick to agree with Hermione and express his feelings. Even though he pulls back when he gets to the meat of the situation, he still puts a whole lot out there for Hermione to hear and to expose him before he gets out.
Something I noticed: there are no other smaller characters, other than Harry. He is briefly mentioned twice, which is perfectly fine, but wouldn't there have been other Gryffindors in the common room whilst Ron and Hermione are loudly quarreling over the sofa colour? It's understandable that you didn't mention anyone or anything really because you were once again trying to get to the main part of the plot, and not bother with the trimmings. Trimmings like smaller characters, brief flashbacks, ironic references, and backdrop plot is not always essential in a story, and especially not a one-shot, but I feel that it would've been nice to hear some in this.
I really hope that I'm not coming off rude, snotty, or that I'm trying to like beat up on you because I believe myself to be better than you, because I don't. This site is completely made up of us amateurish writers looking for something to do with our spare time. You have very promising skills and I'm rather excited to look at your other work. You have more favorites than I've gotten on my stories so far, for which I congratulate you.
I wish you the best of luck with your writing in the future and hope to see you go far!
Only the best,
Hailey (Potternerd1997)

Author's Response: Oh wow, I absolutely love your review! Constructive criticism is exactly what I need. Nope, I don't find you snotty or better than me- actually I like you. Anyway, you are most definitely right that I move way to fast. I actually was just thinking that myself when I was writing a James/Lily match-up. Also, you were right about it being my first Hermione/Ron match-up. I really hope to hear back from you again and I believe I will be checking out your stories to return the favor. Once again, thank you!


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