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Review:siriusgirl1 says:
Here's your first review as requested in my thread. I'll do this one and the next chapter. If you'd like me to review more, please submit a second request and I'll pick up where I left off. Here goes:

I felt you did a good job with suspense and keeping Regulusí escape intense. His characterization was sound. You used a lot of showing rather than telling and it made the chapter flow pretty well. The one thing that confused me was the Inferi "abandoning" him. Since that seems to be the main reason that he survives- swimming to safety would mean nothing if he were under attack by the Inferi- a reason for their departure is necessary. Plus fighting off the Inferi would make for a great high-tension opening.

In your summary, it says he's confronted by his memories, which implies that the whole thing is in his head. Which, as Dumbledore tells us, doesn't make it any less real. But I feel it would read better, since Feliciti is clearly telepathic and can control certain aspects of Regulus' mind, if she only spoke inside his head, rather than vocalizing once he escapes the lake.

On that note, I like that you've introduced a Muggle-born OC in Regulus' past- and now his present. It gives him a depth and motivation for turning his back on Voldy. On the other hand, I feel its weird that they're kissing and acting like she's alive when she's not and he's apparently somewhere in between. I feel that she should be either completely autonomous as a spirit in her own right or be a hallucination completely controlled by Regulus' subconscious. I feel those options would give more punch to her role in the story than what she reads as now: a dead ex-girlfriend come back to temporary not-life.

I really enjoyed the section of memory. It was very real. You captured the natures of kids well and I liked that all three have distinct personalities. I think my favorite part of that was Sirius not bothering to brush the dirt off his clothes. It seemed very him. The only thing I would change about that would be giving the present Regulus an opinion on what was going on as the memory played. The memory read sort of like one of the flashbacks from A Christmas Carol. I think that's good and it would help to take a leaf out of Dickens' book and giving Regulus more of an in-the-moment reaction.

I like your style and the premise. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more!

7/10
siriusgirl1

Author's Response: Hello there! :)

Well firstly, I never thought of the idea of making Regulus fight off the Inferi, to be honest :$ But now that you've mentioned it, I think that would've been great!

Well, in the further chapters I've made her form and being more significant, but I won't say here in case it ruins it all! :)

Yeah, I've always been wondering what exactly made him betray voldemort. I saw the power of love as something that could've been strong enough for him to do just that :) Hehe.

I've never actually seen that movie but that sounds like a very good idea :)

Thank you for taking the time to review my story! I really appreciate it and I really hope you enjoyed it! :D


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