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Review:hushpuppy says:
From your response to my last review, I must have come across as hating this story, which isn't true. Actually, I love Albus/OC and I like your Albus a lot. This chapter didn't have the problem I saw in the last two chapter, which was that you didn't include explanations/transitions. You may have rules for your world and that's great. BUT, you have to let us, the readers, know what those rules are if they differ from Harry Potter canon. The change in how Quiddich Captain is named, for example. It only take a line about how McGonnagal changed the structure so that captains were chosen by their predecessor to explain the difference between your story and canon. That one line shows the reader that you know canon was different, that you've changed it for your purposes and that keeps the reader's suspension of disbelief going. This way your change comes across as much more believable than if everything is different and there's no explanation. A major part of your premise is based on something that doesn't fit with canon, that means that you've got to explain it to the reader.

As for Al getting punished for a prank without showing how he was revealed as the culprit. Yes, we readers do need to see every pertinent portion of your chain of logic. If you think about the books, we always knew how Harry was discovered when he broke the rules. It only take a line and keeps the story logical and consistent. You have a character who pulls a prank. Then the Head Girl punishes our character with a humiliating and seemingly too harsh punishment. Without knowing that Al was actually revealed as the culprit or why she had the right to issue the detention and supervise it with her friends, it seems Rose is a vindictive Head Girl who tends to overreact to any perceived threats to her friends. We don't know who Rose is other than what you tell us. All we know from canon is that she has the same bad hair as Hermione but it's red and she's over-eager like Hermione. Everything else is you showing us her character. We can't assume that she is fair or that her punishment makes sense. It does not seem like her trying to end a vicious cycle of pranks between her jealous cousin and the innocent, wonderful best friend. We've already seen the best friend obnoxiously interrupt an important talk between our main character and his father, with no apparent apology. So we need some kind of explanation for why Rose chose her friend's side and reacted so vehemently to Al's sophomoric but seemingly innocuous prank.

When the reader doesn't know the rules, the story can start to read as fragmented and "inspired" by Harry Potter canon instead of being set in that world. You're not a bad writer and there are enough readers who don't care whether you write well or grow as a writer, but why publish your work if you don't want to grow as a writer? You've put too much work into the story to have it dismissed because you forget to include necessary transitions and explanations. Yes, it can be tedious but it helps make your story more readable and that will only benefit you as a writer. I

Author's Response: Thank you for sending me your thoughts and I hope you keep reading! (:

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