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Review:wolfygirl says:
Hi :) It's firebird here with your review.

While I think the story is ok overall, I do think it starts off a little slow. There are some great lines in there (I love the bit about his name reminding her of olives), but it just seems to drag a little. I think it's because nothing really happens in that first part. I know you're trying to set the scene and give an idea of what the character's like etc. but it just reads a little slowly.

Once you get past that first bit though, it's great :) I love the part where she's actually on the broom, trying out. Because there's more interaction between characters and more happening within the scene, it doesn't have the slowness of the initial section. I also think the way she reacts to Oliver in this scene, and to trying out in general, is really well done. It's light and humerous, and your decriptions of her reactions and emotions are nice and clear.

To be honest I'm a little surprised it's a one-shot. It feels like it could be extended beyond that, which I think is a good thing because it indicates depth in your characters and their emotions - I can imagine what they would be like outside of this scenario.

If there's one area I could suggest improvement in, it's your grammar. It's not awful, but there are a few problems. The biggest one I found was that you're mixing your tenses. At the beginning in particular you have sentences that are in the past tense (eg. 'was a prick') mixed in with present tense sentences. I think if you fix this up it'll make the story flow much better.

Overall I think this is quite an enjoyable story. It's got a fluffy sort of humour that I really like, and you're very good at creating situations that result in humourus reactions from your characters. Good work :)

Author's Response: Hello! I understand what you mean about it being slow, I had that same feeling but, thought meh :P

It's a one-shot because it was only an idea that popped up into my head whilst watching some school soccer.. I don't really have the passion to write about oliver, being more of a marauders fan (:D!) so I think if I did turn it into a longer story, I would only end up abandoning it.

I'll try and fix that as soon as possible!

Thank you for reviewing! I really really did appreciate it :) and I'm glad you thought it was fun and humorous! :) thank you thank you thank you!


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