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Review:silver_cloak says:
This story has potential for being very good, and it's not a cliched Sirius/OC, which is nice.

However I must say that Lea does not seem real to me. I cannot imagine anyone being that naive, happy, gentle, and innocent at seventeen (I presume she's seventeen as Lily is Head Girl). It's endearing but too much of it would make readers roll their eyes. To me it almost seems like a denial of human nature and the way the world works. Not even little children are as perfectly kind as Lea seems to be. Disney princesses are not real people--and if you keep it up, she'll only end up predictable and flat.

Second, I want to know about the history of Sirius-and-Lea. She's been going to school with this boy for many years yet has not noticed him stalking her, and only just now notices how dark his life seems to be--and is now making comments that, though not vapid like typical Sirius/OC stories tend to include, just wouldn't fit in in real life. And myself, I can't really imagine Sirius letting some of the stuff she says go by without a smart comment and an eye-roll.

Finally--(this encompasses the whole story thus far, by the way) Sirius' feelings for her maybe could be that developed, and I will let it go, but the vivid description of the way she is his sun? I cannot imagine any boy consciously acknowledging that.

Something you did well was your descriptions of Lily. If you continue to develop her she will really be very real. The way she acts with her friend is done well and realistically, and reminds me of the way I interact with my friends. Please make sure you develop her because I sense that your Lily could be truly great.

One more thing I forgot: Hogwarts is a very beautiful and unique place. Describe it! Describe what potion they make in class, the weather, the teachers, even the splash of ink on her desk. And since it's the '80s, there's a lot of pop culture you can dive into to make it really stand out among fanfiction.

I apologize for the harsh criticism, but I really think this has potential and I would love to see it succeed. I will be following this closely!


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