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Review:littlemissmb says:
Ok i have several problems with this one shot:

1. Your rushing it: your rushing the plotline again, like with Poppy. you need to slow down, dont worry that its too long. its better for it to be too long than to be too short and leave the reader feeling a little disappointed. for example :

“Wow, I never thought kissing you would be better than kissing Astoria,” He smiled brushing the hair off of Luna's face.

“Same, um I should get back.”

“No a little longer I have the urge to shag you.”

That was WAY to quick.. it should have been gradual, FULL of detail.

2. The obvious : Please try to avoid pointing out the obvious in future. it leaves the reader feeling irritated and undermined.

3. Grammar : it wasnt to bad but i did notice some little spelling mistakes. make sure you spell check before you submit. it makes the story easier to read.

4. detail: i know i keep coming back to it but its very important that you FILL your story with detail. for example, you say that draco and luna are meant to be together and true love. as a reader, i didnt see that at all. all i saw it as was a quick shag. think romeo and juliet, think to see her smile makes him want to die from the joy he feels. i can not stress this enough. you need A LOT more detail. for example: you didnt mention anything at all about what happened DURING that hour of passion.

i think that if you could develop the story more with A LOT more detail and slowing it down then it could be a brilliant story but you still have a little way to go yet. keep trying though.


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