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Review:Pen2Paper says:
Hey
Pen2Paper from the forums here with your review :)

Although your one shot is a little short it was interesting:) Your flow is good and you have done well with James and Sirius's characterization. So good job on that!

But here are some points and suggestions for you.
Firstly, I like how your James is concerned about their nightly strolls with a werewolf, partly because of Lily. But consider what Sirius said of James to Harry in the books, “You're less like your father than I thought, the risk would've been what made it fun for James.”
We all know that Harry himself did not hesitate to jump over the rules which suggests that James was a bit of a daredevil. This is canon and of course you are free to portray James as you wish :)

Secondly your level of detail is good in some places but lacking in others. Writing descriptive detail gives the flow of a story a lot more rich texture. If you know what I mean. It helps the reader visualize your writing. It's a way of helping us to see what you see.

{An hour later James with a slightly less obvious limp went back down to the common room. He sat watching the flames of the fire licking the fireplace as it slowly diminished.}
The description here is really good with the fire... it would be nice if you could extend that to the rest of the story.

eg: When Lily wakes up, what is she wearing ? does James notice it or can he not take his eyes off her face? the light of the dying fire on her face, what effect does is have? Does she notice any cuts or bruises on him? How do they interact? does it pain him to lie to her? Or is he that fiercely loyal to his friend that his conscience can justify it?

these are a few small things that could make a good story great!

I hope this isn't pushing you too much but I would have liked more of the story. How they wrote it and how they charmed it etc. It is good as it is but it has the capacity to expand and be more :)

It was an interesting and good idea for the Marauder's Map.
Solid effort! Well done. Feel free to request any other stories!
~ C

Author's Response: Hey first of all I would like to thank you for talking the time to review and for all you helpful comments.
I have edited the story today and made quite a few changes. Hopefully all good ones.
I added more detail in, like James noticing a smudge of ink on Lily's cheek, things like that.
I also changed the bit when James is worrying, so that he is still worrying but he still loves the risk.
I changed the dialouge quite a bit too so it flowed a bit better.
So thank you and I hope you will re read it and let me know if it is better than it was. :)
Ginny45 x


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