So finally I have some time to sit down and read through and comment on your review. I made quite a few notes as I was reading and I hope you don't resent me by the time I'm done ;)
So, first of all, this is such a great idea for a story! Really. I'm a huge fan of the Marauder's Era and I think there is so much to work with. I think you have a great start here, but there are some points I would like to touch on that I think will really help develop your writing.
1. First and foremost. Grammar, punctuation, spelling. I've reviewed for you before and this is something that really needs work on across all of your stories. A few errors here and there is okay, but there were a fairly good number of errors in this story which is extremely distracting for the reader.
Best example: The last paragraph is one sentence! One, long, run-on sentence. I had to read it 3 times before I understood what you were saying.
Please seek a beta and I will send you along in a PM a GREAT website for some basic grammar tips. I think if you're really serious about writing fan fiction, you'll take pride in the small bits and pieces that make up a story.
2. Your first paragraph states a lot of stuff that the reader already knows. I realize you're just trying to recap, but any person who reads fanfiction at this site is a die hard fan and KNOWS everything. Besides, fanfiction is about writing your stuff and your ideas. We already know the back story, we want to know about the stuff that wasn't written in the books.
3. After the girl runs and tells Lily, there is this strange jump to a few hours later. Your story is rushing too fast. You have so much room for a little development here. You could mention...What did Lily tell the girl? Did Lily have a conversation with her?
4. This comment has a lot to do with number 3. I think there is some redundancy in this paragraph. You kind of repeat (more than necessary) the reasons why Lily stayed up. I think you cover it wonderfully with your first sentence. Simple and straightforward, she stayed up to try and catch the marauders. The reasoning WHY she stayed up could have been a great transitioning point between paragraph 2 and 3.
5. I think its interesting that James is already referring to Lily as the love as his life. We know James is certainly interested in Lily, but love of his life is something I find very strong. I think the love between Lily and James is something that grew...what they have as teenagers is more of an infatuation. It just struck me as a little strange, that's all. He might also ask her, "Hey, Lily, when's our next date" to get under her skin instead of, "Night, Lily. Love you." I think James would even have a little more respect than to throw the word love around.
5. You need to spend some time developing your dialogue. I think some of the stuff you have is truly great. Your characterizations are not that far off at all. I just think some of your dialogue doesn't sound so natural, which trips up the flow for the reader.
"Yeah I know we do. It isnít creepy Padfoot!" James kind of jumbles two entirely different, choppy thoughts in one sentence. I think they kind of cancel the effect from each other, because I had to go back and read again what he was even referring to.
"Yeah, I know we do...and by the way, it isn't creepy!" Then I know you're referring to two different things and you address that 1) they need to attend to their injuries and 2) that it is indeed not creepy what he is doing.
6. So I see that James presents the concept of the Marauder's Map here, and some of the privileges that come along with it. For me, its kind of missing what actually inspired the idea. Maybe you think you were clear about it, but I'm missing it somewhat. I think to put this initial inspiration idea is the most critically important thing you can do in this story.
SO, in conclusion. I'm sorry if this comes across harsh. This particular piece brought out the constructive criticism beast within me. I just think it would be a shame if you left it as it was. It has an enormous amount of potential to be such an intriguing and, I emphasize, UNIQUE one-shot.
I'm more than happy to read it again later if you take the time to make some revisions and would love to see it after it's been developed a little bit longer.
Great start and thanks for taking the time to read through this!
Author's Response: Hey sorry for being late with the review. I wanted to edit the story before I replied.
First of all thank you for all the wonderful CC it really helped when I was editing the story.
I made the dialouge a lot more relaxed and it flows better. I did add more description in and made everything fit together better, I also edited the first paragraph so it doesn't have too much back story in now.
I read it through and added in commas and such so hopefully I got most of them.
I took out the love parts, I see your point about them only being in fourth year.
Also last but not least I punctuated the alst sentence.
Anyway thank you for all you comments and thank you saying my story is unique, thats what I hope for. :)