|Review:||Scarlette Sunshine says:|
Hey, Ginny!! It's Scarlette, here to review for you as requested!
I know it's a One-Shot, and it's a great one, but it could very easily turn into a short story! You've done a phenomenal job at writing this, so here is my critique, love!
In the first paragraph, you can go without adding the "you see" at the beginning of the sentence. It kind of takes away from the setting. Truth be told, there are a few places that can use a comma throughout the story.
The flow of the story was good, but I thought it could be slowed down just a little in some parts. For instance, the sentence where Lily nodded off--you could expand on that. How was she feeling? Did she stop doing her work because the mere thought of the boys gave her a headache? Did she get bored and decide it would be best to "ambush them", thus placing herself in said corner? What was the last thought she had before she finally just nodded off?
Your characterizations were amazing. It was exactly what I would have expected had JKR written a book about them (I wish she had). You managed to keep James' arrogance without being too over the topóa common issue in a lot of James/Lily fics I've read. I loved Sirius!!! "You can be creepy and watch her sleep later." He was perfect as is. I would expect Peter to grumble and complain about how sore he is before he simply falls asleep. Lily herself was well written in character. -applauds-
"Where did this blanket come from and where were you? I had a first year girl come running up to me earlier saying she saw three student disappear and be replaced by three animals, a stag, a big black dog and another small animal."
You could write in her reaction. I imagine it to be a wary look, a sideways stare through narrowed eyes and the down turned corners of slightly pouted lips--which James would stare at in a hypnotic state. I see Lily losing her temper for a moment to yell his name and bring him back from his trance.
After the lie (which was funny) she would question him again, as slowly... and as calmly as she could manage... And then she would hit his shoulder with her knuckles and seething, would explain that:
1. She didn't believe him! Not for one second!
2. That he'd dread the day she should ever become Head Girl.
3. She didn't want to lose any more house points.
4. Whatever it is they're up to, it better not come back to haunt Gryffindor, or she'd be "hunting deer." That's just me, though. :) (I see Lily asking him in a casual fashion, "So you've done it..? Tell me, how is it that you four manage such... advanced magic that requires years of study, yet you all constantly badger me for assistance in Potions..?" In his arrogance, James would accidentally let it slip that he knew something, even if it was just the slight prideful swell of his chest. I also see Sirius peeking out from the door to the dorm, and James sees him just in time to stop himself. Naturally, Lily would look back just as Sirius disappeared, then look to James with suspicion and kindly threaten his existence. That's when she would go to bed. Again, thatís just me.)
The last couple of sentences ending the story could be broken up:
"Both boys went to sleep thinking of the idea that would surely change the way they pulled pranks. Lily slept soundly, not knowing that she had inadvertently caused many of the pranks that she would hold against James in years to come and, unknowingly, to her dying day."
That's all I have, really. It seems like a lot, but it isn't. XD I hope it helped, though! It really was an enjoyable read! Great job, girl! Thank you for requesting!
Author's Response: Hey!
Thank You for the review it was very helpful. I have a whole day of doing nothing so I am going to edit it today.
I am going to add in more of Lily's emotions and her reactions.
I'm so glad you think my characterisations are good I like my characterisations especially Sirius.
"Hunting deer" that is pure brilliance!!
I am going to go and edit the story. Thank you for the amazing review ( I also think she should do a Marauder book they are me favorite characters!)