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Review:EvanAsh says:
Hello!

First of all, I want to say that I really enjoyed this story. The main reason that I decided to offer reviews is because I wanted to get back into reading fanfiction, and was finding it difficult. Well, this story reminds me of everything I always enjoyed about the fanfic world before, so thanks bunches. XD I'm feeling myself being drawn back in already...

Anyway, on to the critique! I saw at the bottom that it was part of the Said is Dead! challenge, and I didn't see that challenge, so I'm not entirely sure what it was about, but I imagine the point was not to use the word 'said'? And if that's the case, then really good work. Not just that you never used it, but that I didn't even notice that you weren't using it until I read that bit about the challenge. In my opinion, using tags that draw attention to themselves is every bit as bad as, if not worse than, overusing said. But you handled it just great.

The characterization was also pretty good. Of course, characterization for next gen characters is a lot more open-ended than with the original set, so it's much more up to personal taste, but Scorpius was definitely a Malfoy and Rose was definitely a Weasley, yet you still brought them together without making it a Romeo and Juliet. (So plot was also very good.) I especially liked this bit: "Oh, come on. You know, I'm in training to be a healer, and there's this class we take that's all about the way people feel and communication, and I really know that, if you tell me what's wrong, you'll feel better." It was just... it was great. It was something I could actually imagine a slightly drunk young woman saying, and I don't know if you meant to do this, but it was almost an ironic twist on the usual compassionate-female-gets-broody-male-to-share-feelings. On the other hand, I do think that Rose was not consistently drunk throughout the entire piece. Of course, that makes sense, if she gets drunker as it goes on, but somehow I got the feeling that she kept being drunk, and then returning briefly to almost-sober, and then going back to further drunk.

One thing that annoyed me though was at the very beginning when it took so long to figure out who anybody was. I do get that you meant it to be that way, and I think that it is a good technique, but in my personal opinion, it could use a little tweaking. I think I'd like it a lot better if you were up front about it being Scorpius (not necessarily in the first few sentences, but as soon as you mention him, in the beginning of the second paragraph), and just gave Rose a label at first - more than girl, but maybe "the redhead"? - until you find out later in Scorpius' thoughts that it's Rose. Speaking of, I have to admit that I was a bit thrown off at the beginning, because I was expecting "girl" to be someone quite a bit younger. XD So maybe make that a bit clearer in the second sentence, instead of this girl, it could be this woman, and then the behavior itself suggests that she's a quite young woman, and more comments/adjectives later if you felt they were needed. (Not trying to write it for you, just giving suggestions. :P )

Annnd that's it! Once again, I really did like it, and I hope you find my comments useful!

- Evan

Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked it! I really appreciate you taking the time to come and review my story!

I really enjoyed taking the said is dead! challenge, and I think that my writing is better because of it!

I did enjoy writing Rose as a bit intoxicated, and I am sorry that she didn't seem consistently drunk. Maybe that's something I could go back and change. I guess she was going through periods of being sober, and then drinking more, maybe? That's the only way I can explain it haha.

As far as it taking a long time to introduce my characters is concerned, that's actually something I do a lot in stories. I like to leave a little mystery behind who I'm actually talking about, but I can see how in this particular story it could be annoying. I'll keep that in mind when I revise it! As for Rose, she is definitely a young woman, and I do refer to her as a girl, and I think the reason I did that was because she was surrounded by all their friends and she was giggling and was acting a bit like girls tend to do. But again, it's great CC, and thank you very much for bringing it to my attention!

This was a great review, thank you again for taking the time to read my story, I very much appreciate it!


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