Hey there! I thought I would stop by and check out your lovely story! first of all, I am so excited that you wrote a fic! So many people want to, but don't, and you're awesome :)
There are lots of things I wanna say so let me organize all my thoughts. First of all, I love the idea behind the story. The summary is also really engaging. I surfed through a lot on the site and I don't read a terrible amount on here, but yours really interested me! I love the idea that her and Albus had a thing before and I'm so eager to learn more about it! Can't wait for that.
I think there are a few things that can be worked on, but that's the same with every story, isn't it? The introduction of the characters was really overwhelming for the size of the chapter. What I mean to say is that the only characters I really remembered by the time I finished the chapter are Jordan, Rose, Albus, a little bit of Dom, and James. They all had an impact and in the future just know that you don't have to go through the entire Weasley clan in the first chapter. You can throw them in as they are mentioned in the story, or needed. I also think I wanted to hear a little more about Jordan's home life. I'm sure that'll come later, but I wish there was a little more description of her mummy dearest. I need a grip on that to better figure out her character.
I really like how random Jordan's inner monologues are. They crack me up. I think you should pair them with more external details. What you have now is so good, I just want some more so the story isn't flying so fast. Right now with the internal ramblies and the quick-moving dialogue the story's pace is way too fast to enjoy it properly. Just something to think about :)
I'm a big fan of the relationship you have already built between Scorp and Jordan. It's snarky and I love it. Can't wait to read more of that!
My FAVORITE part was: Enter James Potter. He was there for a couple paragraphs and melted my heart. What a great portrayal! And he's funny too! Great writing!
I look forward to more about the individual characters. This seemed like an overview, and a good one it was, though I'm eager to learn more. Can't wait for the next chapter! Well done!
Author's Response: hahah okay, so let me start off by thanking you for the awesome review! :)
yeah, the whole thing with all of the characters kind of bugged me whenever i went back and reread it, but i decided just to leave it in anyways. see, what happens is that when i get an idea in my head, i just want to write it down so i dont forget it, but then it just kind of comes out in a huge blob of a story, so its rather difficult to not just spill everything at one time. and yes, her whole background will be 'revealed', for lack of a better word i suppose, in a later chapter. :O heheh. hmmm...lets see, oh...yeah, i worried about her inner monologues when i was writing them, so i hope they arent confusing, minus the fact that i tend to leave out external happenings and such...ill try to work on that for the future :)
hahah i love the word snarky. Its awesome. bahaha.
AND I LOVE JAMES. he is honestly like my hero in practically ever story.
In the second chapter it focuses mainly on just Jordan, Roxy, Louis, and Scorpius and i quite like it, so hopefully you'll be able to get a better view on most of the main characters in that! :)
Thanks again so so so SO much for reviewing and i hope you like the next bit too! :D