|Review:||Jackson Robles says:|
Hey Lia - I'm here. Can you believe it? I apologize for how long it's been, I really do. I took a bit of a break from HPFF. I think I've read this a good three or four times through, and I promise to do my best and cover everything. I liked this. While those are generally loaded words on HPFF, I promise I'm completely honest. For me it filled in a profile for an obscure character. Bella a bit as well, as I don't have much of her on my mind regardless.
And I would like to put out the idea that while I like something that doesn't mean it's perfect. And for me liking is about as high on the chart as you can get - unless I love it, but I didn't even love the books (don't tell anyone!) so you're in good company ;) Anyways, long winded introductions aside, what say you we get started on this here review? You say you want a revolution? Wait.. no, you say you want a review that tells you if the story makes any sense or if the characterizations are all right. So let's go.
I'll start broad spectrum and talk to you about the writing in this piece. I think writing definitely changes from work to work and as you get better with time (at least, that rings true with me), so for this, there are only a few instances of your narration that strike me as unbecoming and slightly cumbersome to read. XD That unbecoming thing was a joke, by the way. The last part was.. well, a glorified truth. Okay. Now let's point out these instances. I can use two sentences rather early on that, well, there is nothing really wrong with, the style and the way they look set off a bit of... uneasiness.
"It wasn't difficult to detect the sarcasm laced in his voice but she said no more."
"Whipping my head around, I saw my wife gripping her shoulder then I hit the ground."
Right. These could easily, very easily, be ripped apart. The different clauses within each of these two sentences. They feel and look jagged, and I think that's what is supposed to be conveyed. Rodolphus has his eyes on Bella and then he falls, all very abrupt like I'm sure it happened. The first line I quote, about detecting sarcasm and how she said no more, feels a bit, well, rushed. There are thoughts that are trying to be conveyed and they do a good job, it just has a bit of a ragged feel, and while I wouldn't change it, I would consider maybe in the future just cutting those into two sentences you know. "He laced the sarcasm on thick. Bellatrix stayed silent." It isn't as obvious that she's purposefully ignoring him, but it is definitely there. I dunno, this, of course, is just a thought. I'll move on before I begin to get long winded.
Oh! And on a technical note, in the books they never substitute 'Merlin's' for 'God's'. It was pointed out to me in a forum somewhere, and when I went to reread GoF - well, it's true. They say 'For God's sake!' - they don't see Merlin as a heavenly figure. They DO, however, say 'Merlin's beard!' when they're surprised, I think as a euphemism for swearing. Just for future reference. =)
'Areas of Concern' time! Let's see... what're we looking at? Rodolphus's and Bellatrix's charactization and if the story makes any sense. From the story we see that there is a goal of ol' Roddy's. (I don't think that's an acceptable nickname for Rodolphus, but we're going with it) He wants his love's.. well, love. And we can see that he had it at one point in time. Bella followed him to the gates of you-know-where, that's not something somebody does all willy-nilly, but it looks like he took that love for granted and now it's his only solace, one that he can't find. So, for characterization and the character as a whole, I thought you did fine with him. It does feel like there is a small gap somewhere, and I agree to an extent with BB about Roddy feeling slightly absent compared with Bella, but I definitely think he's a lot less flat than Barty Jr. (that's a sentence ending period ;D) Jr.'s only got two lines, character wise, I'm okay with him being rather in the background, because he his. And Roddy is the narrator, we get into his head just by the way and the words he's speaking. I think you did a good job there, and now we move on to Bella.
What can I say? I like this. Bella actually loved someone. And of course she did, while she idolized the hatred of Voldemort, she definitely wasn't the same person. And this story gives me the impression that it was Roddy that drove her away. In short, I like Bella's characterization, it follows well with her obsessive nature and she's different, in Hogwarts I mean, than when she was an adult, something I never thought of before, but something that most certainly makes sense.
The story did make sense. I had no problems with the section changes or any of that. It was easily followed and while some the sentences were a bit lax on the flow, the whole thing was definitely leading somewhere. Once again, sorry about how long this took me to do. I hope you forgive me, and thank you again for requesting me, I enjoyed this.
Author's Response: Hey Jackson!
Nothing is ever perfect, regardless of how you feel about it so I understand where you're coming from. Lol, I don't mind your introduction, most people get straight into it so this is refreshing...and hilarious! I would reply to your Beatles reference but I can't think of anything witty enough...sucks, huh? This summer was particularly different in terms of how I respond to reviews. If I see that you're making sense then I wouldn't take offense to what you say. Besides, constructive criticism never hurt anyone.
I do understand what you're saying about those sentences, especially the second one. To tell you the truth, that one always used to bother me for some reason. Anyway, yes, I will remember that point, thank you. Ooh, well ok. Honestly, I try to avoid using blasphemy so that's why I use Merlin. Since you told me that then I'll use another alternative.
Haha, well, Roddy is waaayyy better than Rod! That's an interesting way to put it. I've never thought of him taking Bella's well, 'love' for granted at all...it's something for me to think about. Rodolphus Lestrange has always been a character of interest for me, especially in his pre-Azkaban days with his wife. Sometimes I used to think he followed her to the gates of you-know-where and not the other way around.
Roddy being slightly absent than Bella or do you mean Rabastan? Well, yeah, he and Barty Jr are meant to be background characters anyway but seeing that Rabastan is Roddy's brother, he would play a bigger role, if you can call what I've given him that. My intention was it to be Rodolphus' prime moments in his life which indirectly included Bellatrix; the latter just happened actually. It's like she took up all of the space when she was with him, so much so that he can't see himself not including her or making reference to her in some way.
You're right. Of course she did. She wasn't always a homicidal maniac, was she? You really think he drove her away? I'm curious now, lol. I'm wondering what on earth did I write to give you that impression. I dunno, if you read this response and have the time, please drop me a PM.
I was rather surprised to see I had a review on this story and even more surprised when you said I requested it. That was ages ago but don't worry about it! It took me a while to give a decent response to this anyway.
Thank you for reading and reviewing after all this time and leaving some insightful opinions and suggestions!