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Review:DarkLadyofSlytherin says:
Hey there,
I'm here with the review you requested.

I think you have a fairly interesting concept going on here. Clearly, Mona is in dire need of psychological help. She's very bitter about being placed in the Institution, and I can understand that (I've worked with children like her). I also completely understand her distrust and dislike of her Psychohealer.

Now, to be quite honest (I'm pretty sure I said I would be in my thread), the run on sentences just about killed me. Mona's long winded thoughts at times seemed almost carried away. Rather, breaking the thoughts up into distinct, individual sentences might help. I'd suggest a beta (if you don't already have one).

The descriptions at the beginning were lovely, and then they suddenly seemed to fade away into two or three sentences here and there. I would have liked to have known more about the Institution. Like, how many rooms were there between her group therapy room to the officers? Had she counted how many patients there were? Did they pass a nurses station on the way? Were their open rooms where they could watch television or read or play games? That sort of stuff.

This is simple personal preference here, so you can ignore it but, in this sentence: "Do you drink your medication? Have you thought about suicide lately?" I think "Are you taking your medication? Have you thought about suicide since we last met?" would sound more professional and more like a psychiatrist.

I did like what I read, but I feel as though there is a lot of room for improvement. Tightening up your description and sentence structure would definitely make this fic so much more enjoyable to read.

I hope you aren't offended or putout by what I've said. I believe constructive criticism to be the best way to improve. And you have such a unique plot. I really did enjoy this chapter.

Author's Response: Oh Merlin, this review is extremely helpful ^^

I'm so glad I requested it because you really made me think about what I've written and gave me solid enough ideas to improve the chapter and add more information and depth to it.

I think that what you said about Mona's thoughts is true and I should revise it but I probably thought that since she's so disturbed and all, her thoughts weren't going to be orderly and whatnot. However, you're right and for the sake of the quality of my story, I think I'm going to get a beta to sort out those kinds of things. If I continue with the story (I wanted to see first if people would be interested in this kind of story you know :D ).

Thank you for all those questions concerning the description of the Institution, when I rewrite this chapter, I'll keep them in mind and try to be consistent with the amount of descriptions and Mona's thoughts, so that neither are overwhelming for the reader :) .

Again, thank you so much, I know I've said it already, but the review was really helpful and I really want to improve as much as I can ^^


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